


Drowning in words so sweet

by opaline67



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Did you know I'm physically incapable of saying bad things about Pepper Potts, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Pining, Uncle/Nephew Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:55:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21517072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opaline67/pseuds/opaline67
Summary: Tony is struggling to come to terms with the fact that he's gay. He's trapped in a marriage he doesn't want to be in and he doesn't know how to tell his wife, he hasn't even really accepted it fully himself. Two years after moving upstate for boarding school his nephew Peter comes home. The two connect and Peter helps Tony come out to himself and the people around him. Tony, who hasn't seen Peter in quite a while, is shocked by how much he's grown. He's instantly attracted, which makes him feel guilty as hell. As the two grow closer Tony learns more about himself than he's comfortable with, but he wouldn't trade it for the world. Peter makes him happier than he ever knew was possible.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Tony Stark
Comments: 83
Kudos: 215





	1. Chapter 1

The days are beginning to blur into each other. The world seems to dull as time continues to pass.

Tony is well and truly going through the motions. His life just feels so devoid of joy right now, in fact he can’t seem to remember the last time he’d felt anything like it.

Every day is the same- get up, coffee, avoid his lovely wife who he does not deserve in the slightest, work, home, dinner with said wife, back to sleep. Repeat.

The thing is, lovely and incredible as Pepper is, he’s kind of grown to resent her a little for reasons entirely personal to him. She’s done nothing wrong, in fact she’s pretty much perfect. It’s all on him. Their relationship was doomed from the start.

He’s grown to hate his best friend in the world because he’d made a selfish choice. He thought they could be happy, thought marrying his best friend would equal a happy life.

Unfortunately, though, that doesn’t count for much when your best friend is a girl and you’ve been hiding so deep in the closet it may as well be a giant room of denial by now. Can a closet grow? It can if it’s a metaphorical closet, apparently.

He has always chosen to try to ignore that pesky homosexuality and try to live life as a straight man. A bad, bad choice. He was always so scared of what everyone would think of him, but these days people seem to be so accepting of it.

Slowly watching gay rights be won and people being brave enough to come out even later in life, he has stopped pushing those feelings so far down and accepted the fact that he is, in fact, gay.

A little too late. Twelve years into a marriage too late. Two years deep into an overwhelming depression too late. Tony has always struggled with self-loathing and pessimistic thoughts, but this was something new. Something overwhelmingly, horrifically different.

There doesn’t seem much point in coming out or ending his marriage to him. He isn’t sure he can do it, it’s amazing he’s even managed to land someone as amazing as his wife. There is no way he can do better, is deserving of better, he thinks. If there is one thing he can do right in his life, it’s to try to do right by Pepper.

He just can’t really find the energy to be a very good husband anymore, however. Would it be worse to leave her? He can’t say.

At this point he is almost numb to everything. He doesn’t really care about anything at all. He is thankful they don’t have any kids although he knows that fact makes Pepper sadder than she’d ever admit to him. Lord knows she deserves them.

He can barely bring himself to face any of this anymore. He’s pretty much just trying to get through every single day at this point.

It’s almost helpful that almost every day is like the last, while somehow making his life feel more pointless at the same time. But repetition makes things easy to do when you feel like just going back to bed and sleeping all the time.

Asides from holidays and birthdays, the only day that’s ever really different is Sunday nights. Sunday nights are always the night he and Pepper go to his brother Richard's house to dinner dinner with him and his wife and their other sister, Julia.

Julia is the youngest at thirty seven, still living with a roommate, and was always the wild child of the bunch. She’s an artist doing her best to make a living while working in a cafe full time.

Richard is the eldest, although he’s actually their half brother from their mom’s previous marriage and has the surname Parker rather than Stark. He and his wife Mary are scientists and have one child named Peter who is off at some fancy boarding school. He’s just as smart as his parents, and has a bright future ahead.

Wonderful.

Tony is a mechanic.

He has always had a love for science like his brother but with far less ambition. Julia may be able to beat him out with her crazy but he definitely has his fair share, too. He has always struggled with drinking problems, for example.

Pepper is truly an angel to put up with so much from him. But the truth is, he has never loved her. Not in the way she deserves. He couldn’t if he tried, and believe him, he has tried.

The siblings have always been close growing up and Tony has to admit that seeing his brother and sister is the highlight of his week, dim as that light had slowly start to become.

Richard’s wife, Mary, has made them an impeccable roast dinner and they all sit around and talk and laugh like they usually do and Tony tries so fucking hard to seem like he is having a better time than he really is.

At this point no matter where he is, he just wants to go home to bed.

“Tones?” He hears his sister’s nickname for him and is pulled out of whatever world he had drifted off to.

“Yeah?”

“You hear anything I just said? What’s going on what you, bro?” Julia sighs as she speaks, she has always been very intuitive when it comes to other people and what they’re feeling.

“Just been a long week, not really ready for the next one,” he replies, knowing there is no point in pretending he’s fine. There really is no fooling Julia, and even if he tried, Pepper would probably say something out of sheer concern.

“Aw, you need me to burn the garage down? Murder the boss?” He is so grateful she isn’t pushing him for more answers. “What I was trying to say was do you wanna go to Peter’s graduation together since Pepper can’t make it?”

Oh right, his nephew’s graduation from his fancy boarding school that’s a full two hours drive from New York City. Yeah, he does not really want to go. Sure he’s a good kid, but he’s a good kid Tony hasn’t had to see much of for the last two years, in fact he is sure it had been nearly a year since he had seen the kid last.

The thing is, Tony is so tired, he doesn’t really want to do anything, let alone travel two hours out of the city.

“And we need to buy presents since it was his birthday in August, you remember how old he is right?” Julia asks and no, he really doesn’t but since the boy is graduating high school he can probably guess…

“Eighteen?”

“You don’t sound sure at all, bro, but you’re right, so I’ll give you that one.” She replies with a mouth full of roast potatoes, waving her fork in his direction. A real charmer, his sister.

“He likes legos and his favourite movies are Star Wars and Disney films, but don’t buy him any Disney stuff he’ll just get all embarrassed,” Richard steps in, thankfully, with his guidance.

Tony wouldn’t have the first clue what to buy the kid otherwise. Or, well, technically not a kid anymore, but the name still stands considering Peter’s list of favourite things include Disney and lego.

“You got it. Wanna go shopping before we go, Jules?” Tony asks.

“Dude, the ceremony starts way too early for that we’re gonna have to leave at, like, eight. We’ll have to go the day before.” She’s looking at her phone as she talks, clearly already searching online for gifts. “Dibs buying him a Disney themed lego!”

“He won’t want you to get a Disney one, he’ll get all embarrassed if his ‘adult, college friends find out he likes Disney and make fun of him for it’- his words not mine,” Richard says.

“Hey, it’s never too early OR too late to establish that gender roles are bullshit and people should like what they like,” Julia exclaims in a true, dramatic Julia fashion.

“It’s less about gender roles and more about being ‘technically too old for Disney now’- his words not mine,” Richard argues back.

It is getting so hard for Tony to not tune back out of this conversation now. Shit.

So after ten more minutes of bickering that Tony tries desperately to stay attentive to, they agree that Tony and Julia will go shopping on Friday the day before the ceremony, and then go together in the morning and everyone will come back here for celebrations once it’s over.

It’s a lot more socialising than Tony has had to do for a while and he is just not really feeling it.

But he’ll continue to do what’s expected of him.

While usually it feels like every week drags on, this one seems to go by in the blink of an eye. Friday comes quicker than Tony would have expected.

Tony and Jules are shopping for presents after work. Jules has, thankfully, already picked out presents for the both of them.

Tony thinks maybe some lego isn’t enough for an eighteen year old, even one who apparently loves them, so he throws a hundred dollars in the card as well- although he later regrets it once he sees the price of those damn legos. Why didn’t Jules warn him? Why are little building toys so damn expensive? It’s ridiculous. Any of the ones worth buying are at least around a hundred bucks.

And a death star? About eight hundred fucking dollars. Fuck that shit.

So Jules grabs a Millenium Falcon one and points out some other type of ship for Tony to get. Which one? He couldn’t tell you.

Then, at Julia’s insistence, they end up looking at the Disney ones anyway. Julia has always been a Disney fanatic, and so has Peter. Those two honestly are so alike in how childish they can be, it’s almost scary. Tony would be lying if he didn’t love one or two movies, not that he’d seen them in a long while. Not since the week before Peter moved away.

Once they come across the Disney Castle one, Jules starts freaking out about how pretty it is and how much Peter would love it.

Tony, however, is suddenly struck by a memory of them all taking Peter to Disney World when he was a kid. He remembers adorable doe eyes staring up at Cinderella’s castle in awe, declaring his wish to grow up and live in a beautiful castle and marry a prince.

It had warmed Tony’s cold, dying heart then and it warms it now. He remembers being proud of the boy for unashamedly saying such a thing, despite Peter being too young probably to think anything of it. Looking back Tony thinks maybe he came closer to accepting his truth for a moment that day, before pushing it back below the surface as he had tended to do.

He remembers feeling inspired and protective of the boy, thinking in that moment no matter what he was going to protect him and make all his dreams come true.

Tony puts back the stupid ship and picks up the castle.

“Tones, that thing is five hundred freakin’ bucks! Are you serious?” Jules blurts out as he turns to walk towards the checkout counter.

He says nothing, but gets the castle. He doesn’t even take the hundred dollars out of the card Julia already forced him to write.

While he lies in bed that night and tries to quiet his mind next to an already sleeping Pepper, he remembers back to when Peter was here and how he was always so happy. So easily excitable. Adorable little smile on his face, radiating so much positively. How his joy was infectious.

Tony hopes he hasn’t lost that childlike wonder and joy now that he’s an adult. He finds himself missing the boy, he’s feeling kind of awful that he’d been too caught up in his own bullshit to pay any attention to him in a long time.

He finds himself looking forward to seeing Peter again, hoping the kid will shine a little bit of that blinding light in his direction and make him feel some of that joy he’d been missing for so long now.


	2. Chapter 2

On Saturday morning, Pepper has to shake him awake before she leaves for her work conference. He understands why she does it, anyone who knows him knows trusting him to wake up to his alarm and get out of bed is a bad call. It still makes him angry though. Getting up is so damn hard on a regular day, let alone at five thirty in the fucking morning.

After spending all morning being grumpy and short with his wife, she kisses him goodbye and tells him she hopes he has a good weekend before leaving.

Well, now he just wants to punch himself in the face. She is just too good, she deserves the best. She doesn’t deserve his bullshit. God, why does she have so much patience with him?

It occurs to him that he is maybe too cowardly to end their relationship and come out to people and that may have something, subconsciously, to do with the way he treats her. ‘I’m such a fucking piece of shit’, he thinks to himself. He needs to fix this when she gets back. She doesn’t deserve him trying to drive her away instead of just being honest with her.

He’s still in a bad mood when Jules arrives around eight. He hasn’t eaten, barely eats much anyway, but after two cups of black coffee he feels somewhat more awake. Is he ready for the day? Probably not.

But then again, is he ever these days?

Jules doesn’t have a car because this is New York city and she’s an artist, but Tony does because he’s a mechanic and he likes building cars. So they take his.

It isn’t until they are halfway there until he realises he’d left Peter’s present at home. Shit. He’ll have to give it to him later after they all head back.

When they get there, Richard and Mary have already taken their seats fairly close to the front and have saved one on either side for them. Jules sits next to Mary and Tony next to Richard.

Tony is already just wishing they could get out of here. He regrets not making up some excuse as to why he couldn’t make it to the ceremony so he could just meet up with them later in the city. Ugh, why did he not think of that earlier?

His eyes are so sore and the sun is so bright. He tries to put on his sunglasses but Richard snatches them off his face with a disapproving look. Has he ever wanted to slap his brother more than he does right now? He doesn’t think so.

Some old guy gets up on the stage and speaks for a minute and a hush falls over the crowd. Then some girl who is apparently valedictorian gets up and talks for a _while_ and, wow, isn’t that _fun_.

Tony just wants to take a nap during this whole thing but the damn sun is shining in his face and he has a hard time sleeping under normal circumstances.

After what feels like hours they finally start calling up students and Tony just doesn’t care about anything that’s happening, almost grows more apathetic each time some teenager walks on stage if that’s at all possible to do at this point.

It takes a long time to get to Peter because his last name is Parker, and apparently making it that far is taking longer than it took to build the Brooklyn Bridge. Which was ten years, for the record.

When they finally get to Peter, Tony breathes an audible sigh of relief and murmurs under his breath, “finally.”

But he is kind of shocked when he sees who walks on stage because that looks very different to the kid he remembers. Where’s that scrawny little kid gone and who the fuck is _that_?

Because this guy. Well. Holy fucking wow.

He still has a sweet face, that much is clear. The robes aren’t showing much but his face is so defined now and what little Tony can see of his arm when he takes his diploma does not look skinny in the slightest, that’s for sure. Those tiny little wrists are gone.

Why does Tony even notice that?

Maybe because he can’t help but notice how fucking beautiful this boy is. It’s honestly scary how much he is struck by Peter’s beauty. He feels like he can’t really breathe for a moment and he can’t even bring himself to think ‘hey, stop, that kid’s your fucking nephew, seriously **stop**.’

It takes him a good minute before he gets there. Then comes more self hate because, honestly, what the fuck is wrong with him?

Tony soon realizes it’s hard to stop noticing though. He can’t even bring himself to stop staring at Peter. The whole rest of the ceremony he is straining his neck just to try to get a glimpse at Peter’s face even though the boy is sitting way up the front with his back to most of the crowd and covered by a sea of random heads.

Richard sees Tony looking for Peter and gives him an amused smile and Tony thinks he might actually be sick. He’s made himself nauseous. His brother has caught Tony looking at his kid the way he had never allowed himself to look at any man before, mistaken it for something innocent and familial, and smiled at him for it.

Yeah, this is the part where Tony really wants to get down on the ground and let himself disappear into the earth because he isn’t sure he can live with the amount of disgust and self hate he is feeling at this moment.

But when he sees Peter look back at them with a beaming smile he can’t bring himself to keep thinking that way because, oh my god, even the way the sun is borderline assaulting Tony’s eyes by shining right in his face has nothing on that beaming fucking smile.

Now Tony is kind of disgusted with how sappy that thought was, but it’s so true.

Peter looks like a different person. He’s the same person, and Tony can tell he’s the same person, but something is different. Peter’s different. The way Tony sees him is wildly different.

How can so much change in so little time?

Because Tony has been so caught up in depression and hasn’t fully accepted himself, he hasn’t let himself look at any guys this way before. But it’s almost like he can’t help it. His heart has been doing something crazy since Peter got up on stage, like it’s trying to beat it’s way out of his chest. It probably wants to get closer to Peter. He does too.

He tries not to let it show, tries not to think about how sick this whole thing is because hey, that’s his fucking nephew.

‘Only one quarter your nephew’ a voice in his head offers. Not fucking helpful. Doesn’t mean it’s not sick. Like it makes it okay that Richard is his half brother instead of full and oh. Oh, no. Thinking about his brother while thinking about how fucking pretty his brother’s son is does not help the self loathing that he’s cycling through.

Right now his thought process is this: ‘Peter is so pretty. Can’t wait to see him out of those robes. In normal clothes I mean, shit. Why is he so fucking beautiful. Hey, look at that, I admitted I think a guy is beautiful. That’s progress. Except that’s not okay. Being gay is okay, I guess. But this is so not. I’m sick. I’m so fucking fucked up. Oh god. How can I think of him like this? But look at him, he’s just so fucking pretty’. Repeat.

When the ceremony is over and everyone gets up, he’s snapped back into reality. He’s actually really relieved about it, too.

Then Peter approaches them and it feels like Tony’s lungs are constricted, like he couldn’t breathe properly if he tried.

Peter greets his parents first and Tony notices his voice has gotten a bit deeper, but he still sounds really _young_ which does not help Tony feel like less of a creep. There is a nice, soothing element to his voice though and Tony thinks it could lull him to sleep. Thinks it’s almost as pretty as that smile, but not quite, because there is nothing that can match that smile.

He knows that smile, why is that smile giving him butterflies all of a sudden?

After his parents, Peter hugs Jules and Tony isn’t surprised, those two have always been close. He can’t help feeling a tiny bit jealous, but he can’t bring himself to even acknowledge that feeling because it’s just far too inappropriate.

Then Peter sees Tony, and he smiles in his direction and goes in for a hug and all Tony can feel is a big mess of nerves and excitement. It’s like every atom in him is reaching out for this boy.

There’s a faint scent of something on Peter, almost like a cologne? Probably some kind of cheap body spray, considering Peter probably can’t afford anything too fancy. Whatever it is, Tony likes it a lot. It’s a lot nicer than the perfume Pepper wears, that stuff gives him a headache.

Tony holds him tight, probably too tight but he is too far gone to care, and notices that Peter definitely does not feel so small anymore. Tony can feel the muscles in his arms against his neck and shoulders and he tries desperately not to think too hard about it because, honestly, to say it was bad timing would be an understatement.

Then it’s over, and Peter is speaking to him. Tony is too dizzy from being in the boys presence to properly pay attention, however, and doesn’t really hear what he’s saying. So he just smiles.

Peter looks kind of confused for a second, but then smiles back.

“So, sweetie, how’s it feel? You glad it’s all over?” Mary cuts in, thankfully, throwing an arm around her son.

“Yeah, I’m starving to be honest. Can we get back home and eat already?” Peter replies.

They all agree, and Peter heads off with his parents while Jules starts heading towards their car (or, well, Tony’s car), with Tony belatedly following. He takes a second to watch Peter walk away, but focuses only on the back of his sweet little head. His curly brown hair is adorable and looks so soft, had felt so soft against the side of Tony’s head when they hugged.

He thinks nobody had noticed him acting weird, or at least hopes.

“They grow up so fast, huh? He looks so grown up! I can’t get over it,” Jules says as she drives.

Tony can’t bring himself to say anything but a simple “Yeah.”

He keeps thinking about Peter, pushing back those thoughts about how wrong it is and how disgusting he is for thinking about him this way. He wonders why that combination of soft, pretty features and harder masculine features that have become so clear now are doing it for him. There’s no denying they are though. They really are.

His mind wanders, and he thinks about hugging Peter again, how soft the skin of his cheek would feel under Tony’s lips if he had kissed him. How much softer Peter’s own lips would feel, how he would taste…

And that’s as far as Tony gets before he stops himself. He shouldn’t be letting the fantasies get that far, let alone further.

The rest of the ride pretty much goes that way- Tony half listening to his sister talking about some art thing she’s working on, thinking about Peter while trying not to think too hard about Peter. Pun intended because there’s no way he’s letting that happen in his sister’s car while he thinks about their nephew.

Their nephew. Jesus fucking Christ almighty.

By the time they get back, Tony has settled down some although he knows that’s gonna change as soon as he sees Peter again.

Richard, Mary and Peter have beat them there, which works because this is their apartment after all. Although to be fair it wouldn’t matter either way since both Tony and Mary have spare keys for emergencies. Tony misplaced his years ago but Jules keeps hers on her keyring.

Mary lets them in and Tony’s jaw just about drops to the floor because standing further behind her is Peter and he has ditched the robes and is in his regular clothes.

His tight, tight jeans and some science pun t-shirt that Tony thinks looks vaguely familiar. It must have been a few years old by now because it looks like it fits Peter like a glove, and Tony remembers a lot of his clothes being way too big for him before.

Maybe he planned to grow into them all along.

Seriously though, what are they teaching kids in high school gym classes these days? Peter is still on the slim side, yes, but he has definitely gained some muscle weight and he’s toned.  
Ohhhhh God. Tony is so, so fucked. He does not stand a chance.

Tony and Jules are being ushered into the apartment, Mary is saying something about just ordering some pizzas since apparently Peter has been away from good pizza for far too long and that’s all fine. Then they’re all sitting around in the living room and Jules goes to give Peter his present and Tony realises he didn’t stop back at his place to get his.

Peter starts tearing at wrapping paper, and Tony gets up while starting to explain. “I left your present at home Pete, I gotta go grab it and come back.”

He’s starting walking to the door and everyone is looking at him funny, like they’re a little bit confused by his actions.

“Just bring it tomorrow, Tones, it’s Sunday dinner remember?” Jules says.

“Ohhh, yeah, cool. I’ll do that,” Tony sits back down as he speaks. Peter is looking at him a little too hard and it’s making him nervous.

“Don’t worry, Uncle Tony, I waited a month, I can wait one more day,” Peter says. He’s started opening Julia’s present again and when he sees it he gasps and smiles.

“This is so freakin cool, Aunt Jules! Thank you so much!” He gets up to hug her and Tony can’t get over how sweet this kid is. He’s always been so polite like this. It’s too cute. “I can’t wait to build this!”

He’s like a human puppy. So happy and excited all the time. Too precious for words.

While they wait for the pizza to come, Peter talks a little bit about how school has been and Tony has a hard time listening to the words coming out of his mouth. This time it’s not because he’s uninterested, though. He’s distracted sure, but distracted by Peter himself. Tony really has to focus on what is being said and thankfully that slowly gets easier the more Peter talks. It’s just that every time Peter looks at him his heart skips a beat and his breath gets caught in his throat.

When the pizza gets there Tony can barely bring himself to eat, his stomach feels all fucked up. It’s like there’s a bird in there struggling to break free or something.

He’s in his head more than usual and he knows it might be noticeable, but he’s hoping everyone’s too distracted by Peter’s brilliance to pay attention to him. He knows he is.

It’s when his sister gets up and announces it’s time for her to head home that he decides to do the same.

Everyone gets up to hug them both goodbye as they make their way to the door. Jules gets her goodbye hug from Peter first, and then Tony. It’s hard for Tony to be jealous anymore when he gets a bit of a longer hug. It’s not enough of a difference that he should even notice, but he does. He can’t not notice.

“Bye, Uncle Tony. I’ll see you tomorrow night,” Peter says while they’re hugging and there’s nothing unusual about it, it’s not like the kid whispers it in his ear but he sounds so close and his voice is so smooth and sweet that Tony practically swoons. He hopes it’s all internal, where he intends to keep his inappropriate feelings.

Tony drives home, which takes way too long because it’s New York but he kind of has to if he wants to take his car back. He’d expected to be exhausted today and while there is some distant feeling of tiredness and his eyes are still sore like usual, his mind is racing. It feels like his skin is buzzing.

When he gets home and falls into bed after mindlessly shedding his clothes, he feels the exhaustion hit him. But his mind still will not settle down. At all. He’s so tired and he just wants to sleep but he knows there’s a small chance of that happening for a while.

He is tired of arguing with himself so he lets himself cuddle one of Pepper’s pillows and ignore that it smells like her. He imagines he is spooning Peter, instead. Let’s himself imagine what it would be like to kiss him. He’d do it gently at first. Then after a while he thinks about what it would be like to really kiss him.

It doesn’t go further than that. Tony hasn’t really had much in the way of sexual feelings about anything for a while because he’s been so depressed and plus, he’s forty eight years old, way past his sexual prime. His mind doesn’t wander that far yet either.

But he does think about taking Peter back to Disney World and looking up at Cinderella’s castle with him- but it’s just the two of them and they aren’t who they currently are to each other and they’re allowed to walk around holding hands, and in their suite at night they share sweet, soft kisses and hold each other until they fall asleep.

It may take Tony a long time to fall asleep, but it’s the best sleep he had gotten in years.


	3. Chapter 3

Since there is nobody (and no alarm) to wake Tony up on Sunday, and nothing for him to do until the evening, he sleeps in late. The first thing he notices when he wakes up is a wet spot under his cheek. It takes him some time to figure out that it’s probably drool. So gross.

At least he had a good night's sleep. He slept soundly and for what was probably at least eight hours. He is still very tired, to be honest. His movements are sluggish and his eyelids still feel heavy. The difference is, though, that despite all that he actually feels like getting up. He actually has something to really look forward to today.

He still feels conflicted about it, but he can’t deny how much he wants to see Peter again. If he thinks too hard the self-loathing will probably start again, but thankfully it’s still too early for that.

Well, it’s two in the afternoon. Still, he hasn’t fully woken up yet.

While he checks the time, he notices that he has two missed calls and a text from his brother. Tony’s usual response of ignoring everything until he’s had his coffee is replaced by the thought that dinner might be cancelled, or something, and he wants to find out straight away what’s going on.

So he calls back immediately.

“Tony! I called you hours ago. Don’t tell me you’ve been sleeping all this time. Just ‘cause Pepper’s not there to keep you in line doesn’t mean you can sleep the day away.” Richard jokes. Tony rolls his eyes so hard it’s amazing they manage to stay in their sockets.

“And to what do I owe the call, Richie boy?” Tony asks.

“Well, since you have nothing better to do today, I was wondering if you’d help Peter with this little project he’s working on. He wants to build a robot from scratch, specifically, which you know is not mine or Mary’s area of expertise. He thought maybe you’d be able to help, since, you know. Mechanics, engineering. All that stupid stuff you both love.” Tony thinks he hears Peter say something in the background in response to that.

“It’s okay, son. We still love you even though you’re a disappointment like your uncle.”

And Tony knows he’s joking, would never actually say anything like that to his son and mean it but he can’t help but take it to heart a little. It stings a tiny bit when he’s spent his life comparing himself to his brother, who was their father’s favourite child. Even though Richard wasn’t even really his son.

Which isn’t fair to say, because Richard’s father left him and wanted nothing to do with him and it’s great that Tony’s own dad had taken him in and raised him as his own.

It just hurts when that seemed to mean ignoring his own two children.

Now isn’t the time to dwell on the past, however.

“So? Can you help him?” Richard asks after what ends up being an awkward minute of silence.

Two separate trains of thought come to mind.

The first one is that it’s a bad idea, that spending time helping Peter work on something alone is too much. That it’s not fair to Peter when he’d just be thinking about him in ways he shouldn’t, feeling things so wrong the whole time.

The second one says that it would be so much fun, that it would cheer him up, make him feel better, and that Peter needs his help and why shouldn’t he teach Peter what he knows? The kid is bright, he deserves help if that’s what he wants.

“Sure, I can help,” Tony ends up deciding.

While Richard is thanking him, he hears Peter cheering in the background and his heart does some flips in his chest and he smiles so wide his cheeks almost hurt after a minute. How long has it been since he smiled like that? Clearly too long.

Tony agrees to go over in an hour to see what Peter wants to do and it takes him until he showers and gets ready to get a grip on the smiling thing. He doesn’t want to walk around the city looking like an idiot.

And if he starts to smile when he thinks about seeing Peter again while he walks, he just thinks about how fucked up that is and the smiling stops.

So by the time he gets to Richards place, which is only a few blocks away, he feels a little bit down on himself.

When Peter answers the door, beaming that impossibly pretty smile at him, however, it’s hard to feel very sad at all anymore.

Peter takes him by the hand and leads him to his room, a memory he’ll file away later when he fantasizes about the boy again.

He shows him the blueprints for his little robot, he wants to be prepared for his MIT classes by building something substantial before he leaves next year. Tony sighs what is probably too obvious a sigh of relief when Peter mentions that he is going to spend a year working as an intern at his mother's lab before going off to MIT next September. Peter wants some time back home before he runs off to school again. Tony is relieved, he isn’t quite ready to say goodbye again, although he thinks it would probably be a good thing considering the inappropriate things he should not be feeling about the boy.

He is too selfish to worry about what’s good or right, though. Clearly.

Tony lives in an apartment, but he rents a garage not far from it where he keeps his car and other little projects he likes to work on. He’s built a few robots before, everyone knows. Peter always loved going to see them, always talked to them like they were sentient. It was sweet, just like everything about him.

So that’s where they agree Peter is going to make his robot. It’s supposed to be able to follow basic instructions, nothing too fancy. It is his first robot, after all.

First they need to get the parts Peter will need and Tony thinks he can use the money from his birthday card and then remembers he forgot the fucking thing again. He’ll have to stop home at some point before dinner and bring it back tonight.

So they head off together, back in the direction of Tony’s apartment since the garage is only a block away. Peter is babbling the whole time about his ideas for this robot and all the future ones he wants to build and Tony has to admit, he has some good ideas.

“What about a robot that reads things to you so you don’t have to waste time reading when you could be doing other things?” Peter suggests.

“Uh, Pete, I think you’re thinking of audio books. They’re already a thing,” Tony says.

“Yeah but this robot would already have every single book in the world in it’s database and you’d only have to ask. And it would have access to the internet and articles and stuff as well. And it would respond to you! Like artificial intelligence.” Peter argues in his defense.

“Artificial intelligence would be cool, but I think we could think bigger with that.”

They reach their destination and their conversation slows to a halt.

“I’ve missed this place, I always thought it was cool. I can’t believe you’re letting me build stuff in here,” Peter says as he looks around.

“Well, you can use it whenever you want. I’m not here much these days so someone may as well get some use out of it,” Tony responds.

“But you have to be here to help me! I’m not really sure what I’m doing,” Peter looks a little dejected when he says that and Tony finds he doesn’t like seeing the kid feeling any kind of negative way.

“You’re kidding, right? Based off of what you’ve shown me, kid, you’re a damn genius. You have to be way ahead of other kids your age. You’re already doing great, there’s no way you don’t know what you’re doing,” Tony asserts.

It’s almost like Peter blushes in response, but Tony thinks maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Whatever it is, that bashful look on his face is the cutest damn thing Tony has ever seen and he thinks he just felt heart leap into his throat.

“Thanks, Uncle Tony. That means a lot, especially coming from you.”

Tony doesn’t know what Peter means by that considering he’s a failure at pretty much everything and has made every wrong choice in life, but he’ll take it.

“You’re better than me, kid. You’ll be better. I know it.”

Peter shakes his head and goes to argue but before he can, Tony starts showing him some of the materials he has that Peter can use to start with.

“So, here’s some stuff. Metal, wires, other various robot internal organs. We’ll have to buy some more soon, but this is enough to get us started, I think.”

“Thanks Uncle Tony, sorry about using all your stuff.”

“It’s okay, Pete. It’s not like I’ve been using it. It’ll get much better use with you, I’m sure.”

They get started, and Tony isn’t sure what he’s here for because Peter knows exactly what to do, but the kid does seem insecure. He’s asking Tony for all his advice every step of the way even though he clearly doesn’t need it.

Tony wonders why he feels he needs the approval, but gives it anyway. Peter deserves all the praise he has to give and more.

Peter had to have been the smartest kid in his classes, Tony thinks. He remembers back to yesterday and how some girl was valedictorian and wonders why it wasn’t Peter.

When he asks, Peter laughs and says no way, there were definitely kids smarter than him at school, but Tony thinks it’s just his low self confidence speaking.

“Oh yeah? That doesn’t seem possible, kid. Explain to me how exactly these other kids were smarter than you, I don’t buy it.”

“Well, obviously there was Liz, she was awarded valedictorian. She got the highest grades out of everyone, which is pretty self explanatory. Then there was this other guy, Flash, who was always acting like we were competing and, to be honest, a lot of times he did end up doing better.”

“Flash? That’s his name? Well, clearly he has an unfair advantage. How is anybody supposed to do better than him if he moves at the speed of light?” Tony jokes. “Why does he even go to that school anyway? Shouldn’t he be in super school? Shouldn’t he be too busy running around the world or whatever to be a dick?”

Peter laughs and it makes Tony feel what can only be described as the best feeling in the world. It makes Tony feel what he can only describe as giddy, which is a foreign feeling for him.

It makes it hard to breathe for a moment, because the sound of Peter’s laugh is melodic and beautiful.

“Yeah, at least Liz was nice. Makes it hard to be bitter, you know? She was probably nicer to me than anyone else at school, to be honest.” And it should be a nice thing, it shouldn’t make Tony jealous, but it does.

“Oh yeah? Not a bad friend to have. She’s really pretty. I can see why you’d like her,” Tony says, and he’s being so petty digging for information like that. So what if Peter likes her? He should. He should like a nice, pretty girl his own age. Even if he also likes guys, which Tony suspects he does, there was probably some attractive, age appropriate young man that caught Peter’s eye.

What does Tony think he’s going to achieve here?

“Actually, she’s not my type. I thought maybe my parents might have mentioned that I came out to them a while back, but I guess they were waiting for me to say it whenever I felt comfortable.” Peter says, like it’s nothing. Like it’s no big deal.

A mixture of emotions rise to the surface. There’s relief, the jealous disapperates. There’s also a sense of bittersweet comfort in the fact that Peter doesn’t have to go through all the self hate and internalised homophobia Tony has put himself through. Then there’s just all the sadness and frustration that’s been bubbling up for so long, and the crushing hopelessness he doesn’t know how to escape from.

Tony starts to cry. Not just single tears falling down his cheeks, either. He’s sniffling, and then he starts to hyperventilate. Then the sobbing starts.

Peter is just looking at him in confusion and shock, he clearly has no idea how to take this or what to do.

“What? What’s wrong, Uncle Tony? What happened?” Peter asks, concern clear in his voice. He reaches out to Tony and puts a hand on his upper arm, moving closer.

Tony doesn’t know how to even begin answering that question.

“I’m sorry,” He offers rather than an explanation, he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even feel like he can breathe.

“No, hey. It’s okay. I mean, I have to say, this wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. Did I say something to upset you?” Peter asks and Tony just thinks he needs to reassure Peter, to let him know he’s done nothing wrong. At all.

“I just. I’m just going through something right now. It’s a little complicated. I don’t really know how to handle it. Things are just a little different for my generation, you know? I mean, it’s not really an excuse. There are lots of people braver than I am who live how they want. And I guess they’re the reason you can be who you are more openly and freely, and that’s good. I’m really proud of you, Peter. I’m so fucking proud.” That little speech just dissolves into more crying.

“But… What are you trying to say? I don’t… Are you trying to tell me what I think you’re telling me?” Peter moves his arm around Tony and he’s so much closer now and it’s as comforting as it is overwhelming.

“I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to tell anyone. I can barely even admit it to myself, you know. And I don’t have a fucking clue what to do about Pepper. I’m such a mess,” Tony cries and his thought process is just coherent enough right now to lecture himself about sounding stupid and pathetic.

“Wow. Oh, my god. Wow. That’s really tough. Does anyone else know? Have you ever even said it out loud to yourself before?”

“No,” Tony sniffles, wiping his cheeks with the backs of his hands. He can’t bring himself to meet Peter’s eyes, he doesn’t want to see the pity in them. As grateful as he is for Peter being there, he doesn’t think he can take seeing the kid feeling sorry for him.

“So… you are gay, though? Right? That’s what all this is about?” Peter continues to try to meet his eyes, but Tony is not having it. Not when he answers that particular question.

“Yes. I, I am. I’m… gay.” It’s strange to admit, he almost feels like he’s not in his own body when he says it. He may be disassociating a little. But there is definitely a distant sense of relief that comes with it.

“Wow. I know that must have been hard for you. I can’t believe you’ve been denying who you are for so long. You shouldn’t do that to yourself. I know everyone in our family will still love you. The situation with Pepper is definitely, um, complicated. But you can get through it, I know things can be okay for you. I’ll help you. I promise.”

Tony, who had started to calm down a bit, tears up again when he hears Peter’s caring words, and when Peter notices, he pulls Tony into a hug.

“Hey, you’re okay. You’ll be okay. I’m really proud of you. Like, so fucking proud. I know this is probably a million times harder for you than it was for me, and it was really hard for me. You’re amazing, you know that?” Peter says in almost a whisper, right next to Tony’s ear and it’s really kind of soothing him. It makes him feel so good.

Then Peter takes hold of his face so Tony can’t avoid looking in his eyes, and says the most important thing anyone has ever said to Tony in his life.

“You’re okay. You’re so brave. There’s nothing wrong with you, you know? You’re allowed to be who you are. You deserve it. You deserve to be happy.”

Peter is so perfect, so pretty. His eyes are shining with unshed tears and it makes them look almost cartoonish, like big beautiful Bambi eyes. Tony is kind of met with an overwhelming urge to kiss him.

But he can’t. He won’t. He can’t do that to Peter.

He pulls him back into a hug instead, and simply whispers: “Thank you.”

They stay like that for a while, until Tony’s breath evens out and his tears stop.

Tony laughs bitterly as he pulls back, touching Peter’s shirt where it’s wet from all the crying.

“Sorry, Pete.” He apologises.

“Hey, that’s okay. No problem at all. I’m glad you trusted me. I wanna be here for you.” Peter replies.

“Maybe we can make a deal, kid. I’ll cry all over you and you can use this place to make your robot.” Tony jokes.

“Uh, pretty sure you already agreed to let me use this place, but it’s okay. My support just happens to be free,” Peter says, smiling. “Oh! Give me your phone.”

“Okay?”

Tony hands his phone over to Peter, who rolls his eyes and gives it back, asking “Unlock it, dummy.”

“Oh, right,” Tony says, chuckling. “Hey, if I’m such a dummy maybe you don’t need my help after all, huh?”

“No!! I’m an even bigger dummy. We’re just two gay dummies trying to make it in this world. We need each other, right?” Peter beams and whatever awfulness Tony was feeling has slowly melted away and it doesn’t matter that this is so fucked up, nothing matters but how Peter makes him feel.

Happy. Like he does have a hope in the world.

Like maybe, things really will work out okay.

Not to mention, Peter is ridiculously gorgeous. If Tony is dumb it’s because Peter makes him that way, one smile and he’s lost for words.

Once Peter is done doing whatever he wants to do with Tony’s phone, he hands it back.

“I added my number in there, just in case you ever wanna text me. Or call. I also texted myself so I have your number, just in case.” Peter tells him.

“Cool.” Tony states, trying to sound totally unaffected when inside he feels like a lovestruck teenage girl meeting some boy band member whose poster she has on her bedroom wall.

“Cool,” Peter responds. “Also, I checked the time, and we have about half an hour before we have to leave for dinner, just by the way.”

“Oh!” Tony remembers Peter’s birthday present. “Your present! It’s at my apartment. Wanna swing by real quick and open it?”

“Yes!! I can’t wait to see what you got me!” Peter is grabbing Tony by the arm again and pulling him towards the exit and Tony can’t help but laugh.

When they get to Tony’s place, Pepper is back. He’d forgotten she would be back today. He feels guilty that he wasn’t there to greet her, but he doesn’t think he’d do anything differently if he could.

“Peter! Oh my god, look at you!” Pepper exclaims, pulling him into a tight embrace.

“Hey, Aunt Pepper. How are you? You’re coming to dinner with us, right?” Peter asks her.

“Oh, honey, I don’t know if I can. I’m so beat and I still have this work to finish by tomorrow morning.” Pepper says, and that’s not surprising. Being CEO of a major tech company had its drawbacks.

Tony takes a second, again, to wonder why such an incredible woman would ever choose to be with him.

“Awww, okay. Well, you better come next week though! We have a lot of catching up to do!” Peter says, and it’s clear that despite her tiredness he’s cheered her up some. She looks genuinely happy to see him.

This is starting to make Tony a bit uncomfortable.

“So, Pete. Your present, I’ll just get it.”

“Okay.”

Tony hears Peter and Pepper talking as he goes to grab the present from the guest room, which is next to his and Pepper’s, and sees her walking towards them.

“I’m really exhausted, Tony, so I’m gonna go lay down now.” She tells him.

Feeling a wave of guilt and admiration for this amazing woman, he gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and says, “Okay, sweetheart. Feel better.”

She looks so surprised when he pulls back, which makes him feel even worse, but smiles warmly at him before heading off to bed.

There isn’t time to dwell on that, though. Peter is waiting for him.

Peter is sitting on the living room couch and Tony takes a seat next to him, handing him his present.

“Thank you! Okay, let’s read the card first.”

When Peter opens the card and a hundred dollars drops out, he looks at it and gapes like a fish.

“What is? What? You can’t give me money and a present!” He sounds exasperated, but there’s a big smile on his face.

“Pretty sure I can do whatever I want.”

The card doesn’t say much, and is put aside fairly quickly.

Then comes the good part.

Nothing could prepare Tony for the look of awe and elation on Peter’s face when he sees the gift.

“Oh my god! It’s the castle from Disney World! I love this! I mean, I might be a bit too old for Disney but… who am I kidding. I love this so much!” Peter’s excitement is infectious. Tony is thrilled at his reaction.

“You really like it?” He can’t help but ask.

“Of course! You know, growing up I always wanted to live in this castle.”

“I know, I remember you saying when we went to Disney that one time. I recall something about marrying a prince.” .

“You remember that?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t know about marrying a prince, though. I mean I’m definitely not good looking enough for that.”

“Oh, but you really are.”

Shit. Tony has said too much.

It looks like Peter is blushing again and this time Tony is pretty sure it’s not just in his head.

“You think so?”

How is Tony supposed to respond to that without creeping the boy out?

Luckily, he’s saved by a pair of click-clacky heels coming down the hall.

“Forgot my overnight bag,” She explains. “Bye, Pete!”

“Bye, Aunt Pepper!”

Tony feels just a little bit sick.

“I think we’d better head back to your place now, Pete.”

“Okay, Uncle Tony.”

Why is it that when Peter uses that title on him it bothers him more each time?

Dinner is fun, it’s pleasant. Tony feels more at ease than he has in a long time and is better able to keep up a conversation and joke around with everyone.

Things aren’t so bad.

When he gets home, Pepper has already fallen asleep. Tony sets his alarm and gets into bed, trying not to wake her.

Just as he’s settled, his phone buzzes to let him know he’s gotten a text. It’s weird, nobody ever texts him except his siblings and even that is rare, they usually just call each other.

He knows who he hopes it is. He can’t help getting up again to check.

**Peter:** _goodnight :) thanks for letting me use your space and for trusting me. it means a lot._

So sweet. Tony has a big, stupid grin on his face as he replies.

**Tony:** _Goodnight, Pete. Thank you._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mentions of vomiting

Over the next few days, Peter texts Tony every day to check on him. 

The day after Tony’s little breakdown, he gets a message from Peter at about ten in the morning asking how he’s feeling today. It starts up a conversation about Peter’s project, then about just what’s going on in their day and then they’re talking and joking around like they’ve been doing this for a million years.

He’s less subtle about the fact that he’s trying to check up on Tony the next morning, even more so the day after that. But every day they talk, and it’s fun and makes Tony feel ridiculously happy considering how hopeless he’s been feeling, how he felt trapped in his own misery just days before.

It’s incredibly thoughtful, just like Peter is. The kid is sweeter than candy and it’s making Tony feel more and more for the boy with every passing day.

It scares him how much, and he still feels conflicted. He thinks it makes sense in a way, for feelings to develop quickly when you’ve already loved someone for as long as they’ve been alive. Even if it has always been in a completely unromantic way before now.

Also, if Tony thinks too hard about knowing Peter since the day he was born, or anything from when he was little, he starts to feel that terrible uneasiness and guilt again.

He’s trying so hard not to. He is being more selfish now. Trying not to let the guilt, the wrongness, ruin his happiness. Which, ultimately, far outshines any negative thoughts he seems to have at this point.

It gets just slightly easier to push that guilt aside and focus on the positive feelings Peter evokes in him every day.

Peter also ends every day by wishing Tony good night, which never fails to put a big goofy grin on the older man’s face and make his heart beat fast enough that it takes him a good few hours to fall asleep.

Which isn’t anything new, but now instead of being plagued with self-loathing and anxiety his mind is brimming with sweet daydreams about Peter, and, as of last night, sexual fantasies.

It had taken him by surprise, because before then every time his thoughts seemed to drift that way he would start to feel bad and wouldn’t let them get very far.

Now that his feelings have grown, however, and he’s getting used to forcing those negative thoughts away, he has started to let his mind wander further.

It’s just become too tempting, he supposes. He lets himself think about what Peter would look like without clothes on, what his dick looks like. What it looks like when it gets hard. How it would feel if Tony touched him.

It’s thrilling, allowing himself to think about these things for the first time. He thinks for a while about what he thinks it would feel like to touch Peter’s cock. Then he takes it further, thinks about the sounds he’d make, the look on his face while Tony pleasures him.

What Peter looks and sounds like when he comes.

It’s enough to make Tony leap out of bed and race to the shower. He’s nearly middle aged now, he rarely feels this kind of sexual intensity, this desperate need to get off. Hell, he’s a gay man who’s been married to a woman for twelve years and who has no experience with anyone he is genuinely attracted to, sometimes he finds it hard to get it up at all.

There is a reason he’s been known for his stamina, for making things last, amongst his partners throughout his life. They’ve all been women, and he doesn’t like women that way, so it takes him a long time to get there. When he’s been with them he’s had to focus on tuning out the moaning and keeping his chest far enough away from theirs not to let them touch, just focusing purely on the physical feelings in his cock. It hasn’t always been easy.

Also, he hasn’t gotten hard without being physically touched first in lord knows how long. As an estimate let’s say, oh, the majority of his marriage.

Even getting off alone, he hasn’t allowed himself to focus on anyone before. That’s the way it goes, apparently, when you’re trying so hard to avoid the fact that you like men but you know enough to know thinking about women isn’t really gonna do it for you.

Since his mid-twenties, Tony can’t remember having gotten off quicker than in about half an hour, even on his own.

It takes him just under ten when he thinks about Peter. He doesn’t spend much time going slow, doesn’t bother to keep stroking his hand fully up and down his cock. Before long he starts to move his fist quickly, just over the head and the skin underneath, frantically chasing the incredible sensations that are consuming him. 

Soon enough, he comes. And, my god, does he come hard- harder than he can remember coming in a long time, if ever. He whimpers shakily, his lips pressed tight to keep his moans back as he gets closer. He holds his breath when he starts to come, but then he has to bite his lip to stop himself from making too much noise. It comes out like a muffled kind of whining, high pitched moan.

His legs feel weak enough and there’s such a large sense of relief that he lets himself sink to the tiled shower floor. 

“Oh, Peter,” He whispers before the sensations start to settle, while he’s still lost in them for just one more moment and before reality has started to make itself known.

He sleeps like a baby when he goes back to bed.

  
  
  
  


The next day, a Thursday, Peter texts Tony like usual. This time, however, instead of just initiating conversation he asks if they could go to the garage and work on stuff after Tony finishes work.

Peter adds: “I know you might have a busy day at work and not feel up to it, seriously feel free to say no. If it’s only on the weekends that is totally okay, but I just thought I’d ask you know?”

Tony has noticed, now that they’re really getting to know each other a bit, how much Peter can talk. He’s seeing a lot more of this excitable, talkative part of Peter who, while always being optimistic, was often a little timid and shy growing up. Tony is seeing a confidence he hadn’t seen there before.

It makes him like Peter so much more. He feels so fucking privileged just to get to know the kid, he really does.

And Tony, at this point, would probably drop anything to see Peter even for just five minutes. So of course, he says yes.

That day just seems to drag on forever. Happy, a driver who is one of Tony’s regular customers and friends, stops by, and it’s been taking Tony some effort to get out of his head and focus on what other people are saying for a while but today it’s for entirely different reasons.

Happy can tell, too. He can see something has changed, he points it out before he leaves.

“I’ve been worried about you, buddy. It’s good to see you feeling better.” Happy comments.

Tony smiles, slaps him on the shoulder, and gets to work.

The last hour is the most unbearable- Tony swears he’s trying not to, but he can’t help counting the seconds. Once he’s done here he is going to meet Peter.

He is going to see Peter’s astonishingly pretty face again. Probably feel Peter’s surprisingly strong arms around him. He’ll be surrounded by that aura of comfort and bliss.

Tony’s whole body is buzzing, like the blood in his veins is dancing and rushing through him and trying to break out of his skin.

He can’t wait. Waiting has never been so difficult, not ever.

If there is anything people can rely on, however, it’s that no matter what happens, time continues to pass. So even when it feels like time has slowed down, when something feels like it will never end: it does. Always.

Almost running the first block towards the garage leaves Tony totally breathless, it makes him realize just how unfit he’s become. He feels self conscious, for a moment, when he compares himself to how young and fit Peter seems to be now. 

It doesn’t matter what kind of awful things he’s been saying himself as he approaches the garage, though, when he sees Peter. All that heaviness and tension just melts away until he feels like he’s floating and if he thought he felt breathless before, it’s nothing compared to now.

Peter is beaming at Tony as he comes closer, and raises his arms out in invitation which Tony gladly accepts.

Being this close to Peter, it feels so fucking right to him. Tony isn’t sure he has it in him to regret any of it anymore.

They pick up where they left off easily, conversation-wise. Tony tells Peter about some idiot client who doesn’t understand the concept of speed limits and Peter tells Tony about the Netflix show he’s been binging with his mom.

Everything feels seamless, uncomplicated between them. Tony considers whether Peter feels it too, although he can’t kid himself into thinking Peter feels any of the illicit feelings Tony feels for him. As much as he’d like to try, there’s no way.

Even if Tony wasn’t his uncle, it doesn’t change the fact that Tony is so much older. It doesn’t change the fact that Tony is a sad, middle aged man who still hasn’t really fully figured out who he is or what he wants yet.

Because if there’s anything Tony has realized over this past week, it’s that Peter (on top of being brilliant, clever, funny, sweet- basically perfect in every way) has a strong self of himself. He’s definitely mature, Tony thinks Peter is probably more mature than he is. 

Peter seems to have so much figured out about himself already, especially in terms of his sexuality, and Tony kind of envies that. He hopes he can get to that point one day, too.

A text comes through on Tony’s phone while they’re joking around about something from an episode of myth busters, a show Tony is surprised to find out Peter also loves. It’s from Pepper.

It asks where he is and when he’s coming home, and it pulls Tony out of his good mood and into a crushing wave of shame and despondency.

Things have been better with them this week, for sure. Tony feels a bit better and he’s been trying to show Pepper how grateful he is for her, how much he cares about her.

He just isn’t sure what the hell to say to her, or where to go from here.

So he replies saying he’s with Peter, helping him with stuff and he’ll probably be home in an hour or so but not to wait up. Like they’re the kind of couple who do things like that.

While Peter is distracted by some kind of basic wiring issue, Tony starts to spiral a little bit. He can’t help feeling bitter about it, just when he feels like he’s accepting his sexuality, adjusting to his far from appropriate feelings and the guilt they bring, there’s still all these self esteem issues left that he hasn’t dealt with either.

Tony used to be so confident, what the fuck happened?

It doesn’t take Peter long to notice that something is going on with Tony. He looks up to see what the older man is doing, takes one look at his furrowed brow and solemn, distant expression and worries instantly.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Peter asks, concern clear in his gentle, melodic voice.

With a deep sigh, Tony looks back at Peter, who is just so good and thoughtful and everything Tony is not. It’s enough to fill an old man’s heart with affection, even despite the sting of pity.

“It’s no big deal, Pete, don’t worry about it. I’m sorry, I should be paying attention to what you’re doing,” Tony says.

Peter, who is a literal angel sent from the heavens, drops the tools in his hands and goes to place them on his uncle’s shoulders, forcing Tony to look into his eyes. Then he just waits.

For a moment, Tony stops thinking about anything that isn’t those warm, bright eyes. The color reminds Tony of his favorite bourbon, the stuff he used to drink all the time to try to find some kind of comfort. He finds all the comfort he needs and more in those eyes. They’re devastatingly beautiful.

It feels like they compel him to bear his heart and soul, to give everything he has. He’s hypnotized.

With another sigh, Tony begins to tell Peter everything that’s been plaguing his mind, all the things he’s been scared to share with anyone else.

“It’s just…” Tony starts. “It’s like… It’s like this. Okay, so.” Tony is well aware he is stalling, he isn’t quite sure what how to organize all the chaotic thoughts scattered through his brain.

Peter is so patient though, and his left hand moves to start caressing Tony’s arm in a soothing motion. 

“You know I’ve only really come to terms with being… gay, like, very recently, right?” Tony tries again. Not thinking, just speaking his mind now. “And I don’t have a fucking clue where to go from here. I don’t know how to tell people in my life, especially Pepper. Or whether it’s even worth it.”

Peter raises his eyebrows at that particular statement.

“And I…”

“Wait,” Peter interrupts. “Just, hold on. I’m sorry, I’m listening, I just. Just one question. What do you mean whether it’s even worth it?” His tone is mellow, careful like he’s speaking to a scared child, but it does make Tony feel at ease.

“I mean, what’s even the point now? I’m nearly fifty fucking years old, Peter. I’m a complete wreck. It’s not like I’m gonna come out and suddenly just be able to start dating men and keep living my life, no problem.” Tony says, looking and sounding so defeated.

“Why not?” Peter asks.

“Um, are you serious?” Tony replies, incredulously. “Look at me. I’m a fucking mess of a person. I’m old. I’m more fucked up inside than I think anyone could possibly imagine.” There is a twinge of regret at that follows Tony’s words, of embarrassment. A fear of Peter’s judgement at his confession.

Peter just looks so sad, like what Tony just said is breaking his heart.

“Okay. First thing. You’re not even that old, and it’s _never_ too late to start over. I’ve heard a bunch of stories about men and women who came out later in life and found someone and lived happily ever after, so. Also, can I just say this. There are so many people in the world, I would bet there are, like, five guys at _least_ within a mile of here who are: one,” Peter counts on his fingers as he continues, “willing to get to know you.”

Despite his low mood and heavy heart, Tony smiles at Peter’s enthusiasm and the fact that he’s using it specifically to try to make Tony feel better.

“Two: are gonna find you ridiculously attractive.” Is it Tony’s imagination, or does Peter’s face heat up and does his voice tremble slightly with his words?

“And three, are dealing with a lot of their own baggage, like we all are, and can relate to you on a personal level and maybe, just maybe, could be waiting for someone just like you?”

For some reason, these kinds of positive reinforcements have never come naturally to Tony. They don’t come at all to Tony, actually, because he doesn’t usually attempt to fight the negative thoughts in his head.

Tony needs a minute to think. He’s so flattered, he’s smiling slightly and Peter is smiling back and looking so pleased with himself. It’s kind of sexy, Tony thinks for a moment, that expression.

“I guess I never thought of it like that.”

It only takes a few more seconds before some dark, hateful thoughts creep back up though.

“Either way, Pepper doesn’t deserve this. I don’t know whether it’s worse to be honest and leave her. I don’t want to do that to her, but I know it’s so selfish of me to lie to her and keep her trapped and not love her like she deserves.” This revelation is what really gets Tony upset. He can’t hold back tears.

“I mean, you’re right.” Peter responds. “I know that’s tough, and you’re struggling. I know you’re not trying to hurt her. You’re not a bad person, Tony.” 

The sentiment is nice, but Tony definitely doesn’t believe it. It doesn’t even register that Peter uses Tony’s name like that. Like they’re friends, or equals.

“But I think you know what the right thing to do here is. You have to be honest with her. It might hurt her, but don’t you think it hurts her more, in the long run, to deprive her of the chance to find someone who loves her like she deserves?”

Yes, he does. Why did he never think of it that way. It only makes Tony feel more selfish, this realization. He’s fighting desperately to hold back the tears now, and failing miserably.

“Hey,” Peter says in that soft, gentle manner. “It’s not just her, you know? You deserve love too. Real love, with a person that you really want to be with.”

There’s no way Tony is in a place to feel deserving of that, but that reassurance is nice to hear and it makes him feel a little bit less awful about himself.

“I know how hard this is for you, but I think you owe it to Pepper to be honest with her. I don’t think you should put it off anymore. You can’t take anything back, but you can control your actions from this moment on. And I know you’ll choose to do the right thing.” Peter adds. 

His honesty, although it is a harsh reality crashing down on Tony all at once, means a lot. He seems to have this faith in Tony that the older man doesn’t even have in himself, but it almost inspires the beginnings of a belief that he is, in fact, capable of one day being this good person who makes the right choices.

Tony feels like he has this strength that wasn’t there before, this need to just do what he knows needs to be done.

“You’re right. I need to tell her.” There’s this rush of adrenaline that courses through him with every word. “I need to tell her, like, yesterday. I’m gonna do it. I should just do it now. Fuck it. I’m doing it.”

He doesn’t know what comes over him, but Tony gets up without really thinking it through with the intention of going home and just coming clean with Pepper. 

All this avoidance and, just like that, he feels like he has to do it now. Like it’s now or never.

There is nothing coherent going through his mind, but he does think to stop and give Peter a hug. He holds the boy tight to his body, still sniffling, and whispers a heartfelt, “Thank you.”

Peter looks proud when he lets go, and it only fuels Tony more. He can do this. He can totally do this.

  
  
  
  
  


His confidence has faltered slightly by the time he gets home, but he pushes through. He almost feels a little sick, the anxiety just as prevalent now as whatever pushed him to do this.

“Pep?” He calls out into the empty apartment. All the lights are off and there’s no sign of anyone around.

“In here!” Is her reply from the bedroom. She must have gone to bed early, Tony thinks, considering it can’t be later than about eight, probably. Then again, Tony never has had a good concept of time.

Tony heads to their room, opening the door almost too enthusiastically and rather suddenly.

There, on the bed, Pepper waits for him in some kind of bright red lingerie and a smug, ‘come hither’ look on her face.

Fuck.

“Um, Pep. What?” He’s speechless, and not in the way he thinks Pepper is hoping for.

She seems to take it well, however. Sauntering up to him, she kisses him in a way they haven’t kissed in a long, long time.

It’s impatient, there’s heat behind it. Tony goes along with it, still in shock, not sure how to react. He is waiting for the right moment to stop her so they can talk.

Before he speaks up, though, one of her hands sneaks into his pants and starts to softly massage his cock.

“Oh,” Tony gasps, pulling back from the kiss to look at her in surprise.

He’s sure it’s supposed to feel good, and it is kind of nice in a way, but he’s starting to get so anxious and freaked out about this whole thing and he wants to find the right words to say as to not offend her but then she’s getting on her knees and…

All the stress and nausea builds up and he dry heaves, trying desperately not to be sick.

Poor Pepper looks so bewildered and crushed as she pulls back and gets to her feet. There’s tears forming in her eyes and Tony finally finds his words again.

“Pep, wait. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s not you, I promise. Just wait,” he begs.

But she’s stormed off and slammed the door to their walk-in closet and he thinks maybe he should give her a minute but he’s not sure whether that’s his fear of confronting her speaking or actual useful advice.

He gives it a minute but soon he hears her starting to cry, she sounds like she’s not even trying to hold anything back. She sounds devastated and now Tony wants to cry.

“Pep, please. I am so sorry, honey. Please just let me explain. I have so much to explain, please let me.” He pleads from the other side of the door.

He hears things hitting the wall and other various sounds he can’t identify but he can tell what she’s doing. Which is packing a bag.

Moving away from the door, Tony resigns himself to wait for her. It’s the least he can do. He feels like the actual biggest douchebag in the entire fucking world. He still feels nauseous and he’s trying to keep it under control, trying to keep his breathing under control so he doesn’t actually throw up and make this whole situation a billion times worse.

When Pepper finally emerges, still sobbing softly, she barely looks at him. She’s dressed now, and just like Tony had assumed, she has packed a bag of stuff.

She shoves her phone, her laptop, and some chargers in and grabs her briefcase full of whatever work stuff she has and is walking out the door without hesitation.

Tony follows her, quietly, waiting for her to say anything.

“I need some time. You can explain whatever the fuck has been going on for, oh, I don’t know, the _past few years_ , at the fucking least, when I get back,” She states coldly, still sniffling as she heads out of the apartment, practically slamming the door on her way out.

Tony deserves it, he knows he does. He deserves all this and worse, he just feels so horribly ashamed of himself right now.

He does end up throwing up, after she leaves. Right on the living room floor.

It occurs to him that he hasn’t eaten anything all day except for half an apple at lunch which maybe does not help. A random and useless thing to remember at the moment, but he does.

Feeling totally numb and not even having the energy left to clean up after himself, he forces himself to climb back into bed where he lies until he drifts into a light, restless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Tony doesn’t even need an alarm to wake him up, he keeps waking up periodically throughout the night. At around midnight he gets up to get a drink of water, because his throat is killing him, and then a few hours later he gets up again to pee.

Sometimes he just wakes up for reasons unknown and just continues laying there with his eyes open until he starts to doze again.

When he wakes up and sees a soft blue light lining the curtains at his window, he knows the sun is starting to rise. After another hour or so in bed, he gets up and checks the time on his phone and sees some texts he didn’t realize he’d missed from Peter last night.

**Peter:** _hey, hope everything went well. let me know even if you couldnt say it yet thats ok we can work on it. im here for you :)_

**Peter:** _hope you are ok. goodnight :)_

There’s still so much numbness, but Tony feels his chest tighten and some emotions flicker back to life when he reads them. He wants to call Peter and talk to him so bad, but it’s still so early and he’s sure the kid is still asleep.

He settles for texting back, instead.

**Tony:** _Imagine the worst possible scenario. It was that but times 1000. Can we talk later?_

Putting the phone down, Tony goes to brush his teeth because now that he feels somewhat human again he realizes how disgusting his mouth tastes. 

He makes a note to eat some breakfast, too, and pack a sandwich for lunch in case Pepper comes back today. The last thing he wants is that toxic mix of anxiety and an empty stomach making him sick again when he’s trying to prove to her that she _doesn’t_ make him sick.

While he eats some dry toast, Tony considers texting Pepper. He knows she probably doesn’t want to hear from him right now but he thinks it might be worse not to attempt to talk to her at all. 

He can’t force her to talk to him, and he wouldn’t dare try. But he needs her to see he cares about how she feels and that she matters to him. Even if he was planning on confronting her about the fact that he doesn’t love her, it’s because he can’t. Not like that.

But he does love her, in every other way. He knows how fucked up their relationship has gotten but he doesn’t want to lose his best friend. He still feels so fucking bad about everything.

Hell, she should have kicked him out instead, he thinks. She earned this place, it’s a really nice apartment and she’s worked hard for it. He had just helped pay for it with his dad’s money that was left to him. He really feels like he doesn’t even fucking deserve to stay here.

He decides to just send her a message letting her know he’s sorry and he is waiting for her whenever she’s ready, leaving it short and simple and then letting her be. He doesn’t expect a response and he knows she won’t really want to hear from him right now.

He also knows, however, that she’ll look back and see how he reacted and be thankful he reached out. He’s still giving her space, he just can’t stand the thought of her thinking back and feeling like he didn’t care enough to try to make things right.

Sometime later, after Tony has eaten and cleaned his mess up off the floor, he decides to shower and get ready for work even though it’s way too early.

When he gets out of the shower the alarm on his phone is going off and while he turns it off he notices that Peter has replied to him.

**Peter:** _what happened????_

**Tony:** _Can I call you?_

**Peter:** _of course_

Before even bothering to get dressed, Tony calls.

It only takes two rings for Peter to answer with a “Hey, are you okay? What happened?” Just the sound of his voice has Tony’s heartbeat accelerating like crazy.

“Well, I forgot to eat much yesterday and then when I got home I was a bit worried and I started to feel kinda sick and then Pepper was all dressed in lingerie and she tried to go down on me and I almost threw up on her and she left.” Tony says all at once, recounting it in the most detached way he can because he can’t stand to go into detail about it.

“Oh my god, what the fuck? Seriously, Tony, are you okay?” That time the way Peter says his name registers and despite everything, it makes him all flustered and he can’t help but smile a little.

“I’m okay, I feel fucking terrible about it, obviously. I should have stopped her straight away but I just, I don’t know. I don’t know how to fix this now, I told her I was sorry and I wanted to explain but she was too upset and now she needs some time and I get that. This whole thing is just a fucking mess, I don’t know how I always manage to fuck things up so bad.” Now Tony is close to crying again, even though he feels somewhat better for being able to talk to Peter about this.

“It’ll be okay. You’ll just have to wait for her to come around before you can explain everything. It’s okay to make mistakes, you know. I’m really worried about the whole ‘forgot to eat’ thing too, to be honest. I feel kind of bad, I thought you’d already eaten before we met up but I hope you didn’t skip dinner just for me?” Peter asks.

“No, I just do that sometimes. Some days.” Tony admits.

“Okay, no. That’s not happening anymore. You better eat something right now, I’m not getting off the phone until you do.” 

“I already ate toast, though.”

“Well, just eat another one. For me. Please?”

Like Tony could deny Peter anything. He doesn’t particularly feel up to eating anything else, but he knows it won’t kill him and there probably isn’t much point in arguing.

“Okay. I’m gonna go do that now.”

“Good. Also, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but like… I think you seem like you’re struggling a lot right now and I was wondering if maybe you think it would help you if you maybe got some professional help or something?”

Even though he knows it’s meant to be supportive, Tony can’t help being taken aback by that. He’s almost offended, but he knows Peter- knows he’d never say anything like that without the best intentions. 

Still, Tony can’t help feeling like Peter thinks there’s something wrong with him.

Hell, Tony thinks there’s something wrong with himself but it hurts to hear it from someone else, even though he knows deep down, logically, it isn’t really what Peter means.

“Um.” He doesn’t want to lie to Peter, but he doesn’t want to hurt his feelings or disappoint him either.

Before he has a chance to respond, Peter continues to explain. “I don’t want you to freak out or anything, I saw a therapist at school and it helped me a lot and I just thought it could help you.”  
  
That revelation makes Tony feel a lot better about the whole thing.

“I’ll think about it.” He relents, knowing he definitely doesn’t feel ready to think about it at all but appreciating the gesture all the same. He’ll come back to it one day, because Peter suggested it. And if he’s being honest, Peter seems to have a lot of good insight on things. All the advice Peter has given him has been pretty great so far.

“Thanks, Tony.” Peter says. Tony almost wants to comment on how much he likes hearing Peter say that, but he thinks it would be too weird.

“I don’t know what you’re thanking me for. You’re the one helping me with all this stuff. I don’t know why you’re wasting your time on me but I do appreciate the fuck out of it. So… Thanks. Seriously.” Tony tries so hard not to give too much away, not to sound like the desperate, hopelessly smitten fool he is when he says that. He can only pray he succeeds.

“Of course. I’ll always be here for you. What else are family for, right?” Peter replies and it kind of makes it harder to keep his second toast down for a second, hearing that last thing.

“Thanks, Pete. Thank you.” _‘You said that already, dumbass,’_ says the ever helpful voice in Tony’s head.

“Anyway, I better go get ready for work.” Tony realizes he still hasn’t gotten dressed and has been talking to Peter while he’s been naked this whole time which, although unintentional, makes him feel like a sick, perverted old man.

“Okay, well I’m gonna text you at lunch and make sure you’ve eaten okay?” Peter tells him.

“Peter, I appreciate that, but it’s not your job to take care of me. You don’t have to do that.” Tony says, although he’s touched by the gesture.

“Hey, someone’s gotta help you take care of yourself. You’ll learn to do it yourself when things get sorted out and you feel better, but it’s okay to ask for a little help sometimes, though. Besides, it’ll make me feel better. It’s more for myself, really.” Tony knows that’s not true, but it’s sweet all the same.

“Thanks, Petey. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

“Bye, Tony.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


By the time Sunday comes around, Tony is feeling a little better about things. It’s probably got something to do with the fact that he’s been eating properly every day for, like, three days now. It also might have to do with Peter’s constant reassurance and support.

He still feels bad about Pepper, but he can’t say he isn’t really insanely happy with the way things are going with Peter now.

The way Peter makes him feel, there’s really no comparison to anything Tony has ever felt before. He’s never really understood being able to feel so strongly about someone, never really related much to the rom-coms Pepper made him watch where there seems to be a strong, cosmic force pulling the two main characters together. 

Intense, passionate attraction- it’s new to him.

He feels so bad about it when he thinks those kinds of thoughts while he’s around Peter, thinks the boy would be horrified if he knew what was really going on in Tony’s head.

But when he’s alone he lets himself imagine unspeakable things, gets so hard to thoughts of the things he knows Peter would never let him do. Well, he can dream, right?

So on Sunday they’re spending the whole day together before family dinner, but Peter wants to take a break from working so they’re at Tony’s apartment binge watching the Star Wars movies at Peter’s request.

It’s so much fun, they’re talking and joking around and Tony can’t remember the last time he laughed so hard he’d cried but, damn, Peter is fucking hilarious. They just have a very similar sense of humor, they have a lot of things in common, really.

By the time they reach Return of the Jedi, Peter is sitting close enough to Tony for their knees to touch and it’s then that he notices that Peter’s slowly moved his way over from the other side of the couch.

He tells himself it doesn’t mean anything, he doesn’t want to kid himself into thinking there’s something there when there’s not. It doesn’t stop his heart from racing and it arouses a surge of something electrifying that feels like it’s travelling under Tony’s skin from where they touch, like a current through his veins, lighting up every nerve in his body.

“You know, I remember seeing this movie when it came out. I was about twelve at the time, it fucking blew my mind. There wasn’t much like it at the time,” Tony recalls. He’s slightly nervous about bringing up the age difference, but it’s not like either of them aren’t blatantly aware of it so what does it matter.

“That’s so amazing! I’m kinda jealous. These movies are nostalgic for me too, in a way. Me and my best friend Ned used to watch them all the time growing up, I think we’ve literally watched them at least five hundred times,” Peter says.

“Oh yeah, I remember that kid. How’s he doing these days?” Tony asks.

“Um, I don’t know. I lost touch with him and MJ, my other good friend, when I left. We tried to stay in touch but I just kind of started having a hard time and. I don’t know. I didn’t feel like talking and I didn’t know what to say and then months passed and I didn’t know how to get back in touch so I never did.” There’s something somber about Peter’s tone, like he’s accepted the situation but it still makes him sad to think about.

“That really sucks, Pete. Can I ask what happened that made you feel so bad?” Tony asks, feeling concerned.

“Well, I never really made any new friends at school. Some people were nice to me sometimes, but I never really had anyone to sit with at lunch and then some kids started making fun of me and then this one kid, Flash, he really started targeting me and things just kind of got harder to deal with. That’s why I ended up getting help, I don’t think I could have made it to graduation otherwise. I was so lonely.”

Peter might seem relatively calm while he speaks, although clearly kind of upset, but Tony is seeing red. He’s so fucking pissed off, like the thought of anyone doing anything to hurt Peter personally offends him. And it does. So, so much.

His heart goes out to Peter, this is his chance to support the sweet little angel like he’s been supporting Tony.

Settling one arm around Peter and pulling him closer (in a way he hopes seems totally platonic) and holding his hand with the other, he thinks about the right thing to say.

“That is so unfair, sweetheart.” He probably shouldn’t use that endearment, but he’s feeling so protective of the boy that it just slips out. “You are so strong to deal with all of that on your own, you know? I really admire you. You know that, right?”

“Thank you, Tony,” Peter says and there’s a soft, shy smile playing on his face and his cheeks have turned bright pink and he looks so pretty that Tony thinks his heart is gonna burst out of his chest, like it almost physically can’t stand how beautiful Peter is.

“I mean it. And, hey, just because people were dicks at your fancy boarding school, doesn’t mean you’re not gonna make a bunch of friends at college where there’ll be way more people who are hopefully more mature than those stupid high school kids.” They better be, Tony thinks, because if he hears about anyone else hurting Peter again he’s gonna do something about it for sure.

“I hope so. I mean, I think I feel a lot more confident than I did two years ago. I started running a lot and working out ‘cause my therapist said it would make me feel better, you know, endorphins and all that. Girls started to notice me a little more in the last year, except I obviously wasn’t interested in dating them, but it was definitely a confidence boost. I made some friends online, too, but it’s not really the same when you’re spending so much time alone every day. I, um, also had this guy I was talking to online but he started to get creepy and possessive so I blocked him,” Peter admits.

That little piece of information has Tony feeling all sorts of creepy and possessive feelings, too, and he thinks for a moment about tracking down the bastard and making him regret it but he lets it go.

“Oh yeah? He ever bothers you again let me know, Petey. Seriously. I’ll do anything I can to help you. I’ll be here for you, whenever you need me. Thank you for trusting me, by the way. You always can, I hope you know that,” Tony tells him.

“I do. I know that. You’re so easy to talk to, you know? I feel like we’re just, like, the same person sometimes.” Peter is still smiling and blushing and Tony feels himself starting to blush, too.

“We kind of are, huh?” There’s a moment of comfortable silence between them, Tony’s thumb is brushing softly back and forth on Peter’s hand. Their faces are closer now and they’re looking at each other and Tony thinks he sees something like desire in Peter’s eyes but he brushes it off and looks away, chalking it up to wishful thinking.

“So no boyfriend, then?” Tony asks in what he hopes is a subtle, purely out of curiosity type of way.

“No- uh, nope.” Peter stutters, he seems a bit startled by the question.

“That’ll change soon, I bet. If not before you go off to college, when you get there. You could always get one of those dating apps where you swipe at people to get their attention or whatever it is,” Tony suggests.

“Yeah, no thanks. Not for me. I mean nobody has flirted with me since I got back home yet, not that I’ve really even been out anywhere, and I’m still not confident enough to make the first move. There’s still this voice inside me that feels so self conscious and, like, just not good enough,” is Peter’s reply.

“You’re more than good enough, kid. Anyone would be so lucky to have you. I know it’s hard to put yourself out there, but if there’s someone you like you should try asking them out. The worst they can do is say no.”  
  
“I mean, in my mind the worst that they’ll do is say no and then mock me and make me feel stupid about the whole thing, and then I’ll break down and cry and everyone will laugh at me. So. I know it’s not logical, but it’s honestly how I feel. I do… I do kind of have feelings for someone. But they are way out of my league, there’s no way they’d be interested. I don’t have to ask them to know that.”

It breaks Tony’s heart a little to hear Peter admit he has feelings for someone else, but it breaks his heart even more to hear the boy talk about himself like that, especially when Tony would give almost anything in the world to have him.

“They’d have to be pretty fucking stupid not to see what a catch you are,” Tony admits, too caught up in his feelings to care that he’s saying too much. “You’re amazing, Peter. You really are.”

Peter’s whole face is red now, it’s the sweetest thing Tony’s ever seen, he almost fools himself into thinking it’s for him even though he knows better.

“So are you. I wish you could see how great you are. I hate it when you put yourself down. I really… ”

Peter is interrupted by his phone ringing.

Looking at it, Tony sees that it’s Richard and it occurs to him that they’re probably late to dinner.

Hearing Peter on the phone to his father, he learns he’s right so he grabs Peter’s backpack and motions for him to follow him out the door, and they walk back to Peter’s apartment together, neither of them saying much.

Tony catches Peter looking at him a lot, and the kid looks away with this bashful look on his face and maybe Tony is getting a little bit convinced that it’s not just in his head.

He doesn’t have much time to dwell on that, because they’re about to be surrounded by their family. Their _shared_ family.

Well. It is what it is.

Everyone is already sitting at the table and there is a combined groan of “Finally!” in complaint of their late arrival. Well, they did end up being half an hour late.

It isn’t until everyone is halfway through eating that someone asks where Pepper is. Everyone was too hungry to really talk much before then, apparently.

“Oh. Well. We’re having some… time apart. Well, she is,” Tony confesses. He’s pretty much accepted it by now so it doesn’t hurt too much to say, but he’s worried about everyone’s reaction all the same.

“What?? What happened? Aw, bro!” Jules says, getting up to pull his head into her stomach and squeeze him and this is what Tony didn’t want, people making a big deal out of it. He was hoping for silence acceptance, but he knows his siblings well enough to know that’s not what he’s gonna get.

“It’s fine. It was never gonna work out. This was inevitable, trust me,” Tony replies.

“What are you talking about? I can’t imagine a more perfect woman for you than Pepper,” Richard says.

Jules finally sits back down but she’s got a tight grip on his hand and it looks like she isn’t going to let go anytime soon.

“Yeah, I guess,” Tony says, looking at Peter for help. He wants the questions to stop. He wants to be able to explain everything, but he doesn’t know how.

“What do you mean, you guess?” Richard asks.

Tony feels his pocket buzzing and he’s grateful for an excuse to avoid the question.

It’s a text from Peter.

**Peter:** _now is a good chance to tell them maybe it will get them off your back?_

He has a point, but it’s easier said than done.

**Tony:** _I don’t wannaaaa. You do it for me?_

**Peter:** _i will if you really want me to you sure?_

But Tony knows this is something he has to do himself. Hey, it’s going to be a whole lot easier to do this than to tell Pepper. It can be like practice.

Everyone is quietly waiting for Tony to explain. He takes a long, deep breath.

“Here’s the thing. As it turns out, I. Don’t… Um. I don’t like… girls. Women. I’m gay?” Tony drags it out like he’s not sure of what he’s saying, feeling so dizzy all of a sudden. Kind of like he’s not really there, like his mind is protecting itself from this difficult thing it’s experiencing.

Nobody speaks. Not immediately.

“I honestly can’t tell if you’re joking or not, and it’s scaring me,” Jules finally breaks the silence.

“Nope. Not joking. It’s a thing. It’s real,” Tony assures her.

More silence.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Richard asks.

Then a floodgate opens, and the inquiries don’t stop.

“How come you’ve kept this hidden for so long, Tones? You know we would have been there for you, don’t you?” Jules says, getting back up to hug him again.

“It was just… a hard thing to come to terms with, even with myself,” Tony reveals to them.

He feels someone gently take hold of his free hand under the table, and looks to his left to see Peter staring at him with what he thinks is pride.

It empowers him a little bit, even while dormant butterflies suddenly flutter free around his stomach at the feeling of Peter’s surprisingly delicate, soft little hand in his.

There is so much support, even Richard and Mary get up to hug him and Tony has to let go of Peter’s hand to accept it, regrettably, but then Peter gets up to hug him too and it’s worth it.

Tony feels lighter than he thinks he’s ever felt. It’s all out there. There’s so much weight he didn’t even realize was holding him down and now he almost feels like he’s floating.

Even when though he goes home alone, even when he lies in bed and obsesses over everything that happened with Peter that day, even when he feels the sting of rejection when he thinks about whoever is lucky enough to earn Peter’s affection, everything feels bearable.

Everything feels okay. Tony thinks he might be okay after all.


	6. Chapter 6

After getting all that baggage off of his chest, Tony sleeps so deeply. For the first time in, god, he doesn’t remember how long, he remembers his dream.

Everything is still so vivid when he wakes up, he still feels like he’s in a different world to the one he’s woken up in. He can’t remember every detail, but there are bits and pieces of clarity that make up a whole story.

The dream starts with Tony running into Ned, who still looks like an obscure version of how he did when he was fifteen because apparently Tony’s brain couldn’t be bothered to reinvent him as an eighteen year old, and expressing Peter’s wish to reconnect.

Ned, with his slightly blurred face because it’s been a long time and Tony doesn’t really remember what he looks like that well, is so down for that and the two of them head to Peter’s place to surprise him.

There’s no clear picture of the two reconciling, just a faded memory of Peter’s reaction. The boy is elated. But the next thing Tony really remembers is him and Peter, alone. Peter’s so grateful to him and he’s holding him so tight and he even gives Tony a lingering kiss on his stubbly cheek before pulling back just a little bit to gaze into his eyes.

When Tony wakes up, it’s with a hammering heartbeat that has his whole body buzzing and he feels like he can barely breathe. He wants it so bad.

More importantly, though, he has an idea of how he can help Peter.

The thing is, Tony may not have seen Ned Leeds in quite a few years, but he last saw Ned’s parents only a few months ago. Because Ned and Peter were always so close growing up, Tony had met them a few times and at some point mentioned where he worked.

For maybe the past ten years or so they’ve been going to Tony to get their car serviced. More importantly, Tony knows they run a business together. It’s a small accounting firm about fifteen blocks south-east of where Tony lives.

Had Tony not been sufficient enough on his own with math and finances, he probably would have hired them to do it for him, to be honest.

As it is, he thinks he might stop in for a visit.

Peter texts him wishing him good morning, asking how he slept, reminding him to eat breakfast and telling him how proud he is. 

As much as Peter always makes Tony happy, he’s starting to really feel it, now that he feels happier in general. He has more energy, he’s thinking more positively, he’s appreciating everything more.

Every single day gets better and better, all because of this gorgeous, sincere, sweeter-than-honey boy. How could he not be happy?

It’s a Monday, so Tony has to work. He has a sinking feeling that the Leeds’ accounting firm will be closed by the time he finishes up and makes it there, and he’s right.

According to the information printed on the window, the firm is open on Saturday mornings from nine until midday, so Tony will have to go then.

When Tony gets home later, Peter wants to talk to him on the phone while they watch The Phantom Menace- kind of like they’re watching it together, but not. It’s such a nice gesture and it has Tony feeling all kinds of smitten.

The week kind of goes on like that, every night they end up talking on the phone. 

On Tuesday they watch some horror movie on Netflix that honestly has Tony feeling slightly paranoid when he goes to bed alone.

On Wednesday, Tony suggests something lighter, and Peter jokingly suggests Lady and the Tramp. He seems surprised when Tony agrees. Hey, who doesn’t love puppies? Cute, animated puppies falling in love? Sign him the fuck up.

And if he spends the whole time thinking about the parallels between Tramp and himself, and Lady and Peter, that’s fine too.

On Thursday Peter urges Tony to choose the movie this time. He specifically wants to see one of Tony’s favorite movies from his childhood or teenage years that Peter hasn’t seen before. 

When Peter says he hasn’t seen Die Hard before Tony does this drawn out, exaggerated gasp and demands that they fix that immediately. He has a feeling Peter is going to love it, and he ends up being completely right.

Before they say goodnight, Peter asks Tony if they can work on the robot tomorrow night, Saturday _and_ Sunday. He seems a little scared to ask, like he’s worried he’ll be turned down. Like he clearly isn’t aware of the lengths Tony would go to just to make him happy.

So of course, Tony agrees.

On Friday, when he finishes work he notices a text from Pepper that came sometime during the day. He’s almost scared to read it, if he’s being honest, but he knows he owes her so much at this point that he isn’t about to put this off.

It basically says that she still needs some time, still isn’t ready to talk yet, and that her sister will be by tomorrow to pick up more of her clothes. It’s very detached and formal which makes it a little difficult to read but Tony respects her too much to push. All he responds with is ‘okay, that’s fine, take all the time you need’.

He debates apologizing again but at this point he thinks she’ll just find it irritating. He’s already apologized and he’ll have the chance to do it again properly when she’s ready for it.

Despite his initial paranoia about it, he does feel a sense of relief that she isn’t so mad she can’t bear to talk to him at all.

It doesn’t matter what he’s feeling, ultimately, when he’s going to see Peter because all that gloominess melts away and the world looks a little brighter when Peter’s around.

Peter makes a bunch of Die Hard references which makes Tony ridiculously fucking proud.

They stay a little later than either one expects to. There’s no fuss about it, Richard and Mary know where he is and trust Tony (although they really probably shouldn’t at this point) so they haven’t called Peter to check when he’ll be home or anything.

Still, there’s no way Tony is letting Peter walk home alone at one in the morning, even though the boy insists he’ll be fine. He keeps an eye on their surroundings and stays close enough that their shoulders are touching almost the entire time.

You can probably never be too careful in New York City, after all.

It isn’t until they reach Peter’s apartment building that Tony stops assessing their surroundings and really looks at him. Seeing those big, round eyes staring up at him and that sweet, timid smile has Tony feeling weak. The man literally forgets how to breathe, his heart stops beating and time slows down. 

There’s something so unbelievably ethereal about Peter’s features in the soft, glowing light of the city combined with the bright, pale light of the full moon. It’s like he’s too goddamn beautiful to even be considered human, like he has to be some kind of literal angel or something for it to make any sense at all.

To say Tony is so completely enamored with the boy would be a major understatement.

There’s an air of tension between them, like a magnetic force. Tony feels it pulsing from within him, urging him closer.

In fact, Tony is so caught up in his own thoughts and feelings he can’t even notice the way Peter has been staring right back the whole time.

It takes some loud yelling from someone next to them at a person across the street for both of them to get wrenched out of their daze. 

Heartbeat resuming, with a deep breath Tony looks around while he figures out how to speak again. Luckily for him, Peter beats him to it.

“Thanks for walking me home. I should, um, probably get to bed now,” the angel says in that wonderful, dulcet voice that has Tony swooning all over again.

“Yeah. Yeah. It’s late. I’ll… I should head home now. Goodnight, Pete,” Tony says. He should walk away now, but despite his words he is frozen in place.

“Goodnight,” Peter replies. He looks at Tony for another few seconds, his irises flicking back and forth between each of Tony’s eyes like he’s searching them for something, and then turns around to head inside.

Tony is still stuck, watching the boy walk away for a few seconds before his legs catch up to his brain and he turns to start walking home, too.

As alert as he was when he was walking Peter home, Tony is in his own little world the entire way back to his own place. His heart is beating so fast now, like it’s trying to make up for when it had stopped before, and he can’t stop thinking about what it would have been like to kiss Peter goodnight.

The voice inside his head telling him it’s never going to happen, that he’s kidding himself, is unusually silent. It’s like even the most moral and skeptical part of him has been compromised by all these intense feelings.

It’s hard for Tony to fall asleep that night, as late as it is. He’s full of energy, and he can’t quiet his mind down at all. He’s thinking about all the times he and Peter have been spending together lately and it never fails to make him so ridiculously happy.

He can’t help but let his mind drift further, no guilty conscience to interrupt him this time. He imagines Peter in his bed with him, next to him, under him.

What his body looks like. What he looks like where Tony wants inside him so bad. It’s not like Tony’s never done that before but this is so different. 

He’s been jerking off thinking about Peter a lot lately, like a whole hell of a lot. But this is the first time his conscience has been quiet enough to let it get this far.

It’s so hot and thrilling in a way nothing has ever been before that he thinks he could come in about five minutes if he doesn’t take his time.

He jerks himself slowly, he has a fully formed fantasy going on in his head and he really wants to enjoy it.

But soon he decides that he doesn’t want to just jerk off this time. He wants it to be like Peter is here, like Tony is pushing into his sweet little body for real. As much as he can pretend, at least. Tony knows it’ll be nothing compared to the real thing, but this is what he has to work with.

He closes his eyes so he can picture Peter there on top of him, spitting on his hand in place of the lube he would be using if Peter really was there.

Taking his time, rather than use his hand to move over his cock he slows way down while he bends his knees and fucks up into it, tightening his fist. It doesn’t feel like he knows it would if he were fucking inside Peter’s tight little hole, but the mental image is enough to make everything feel more intense.

Somehow he always feels so much more aroused, more sensitive whenever he thinks about Peter than he’s ever felt thinking about (or even while he’s been with) anyone else.

He speeds up as he gets close. It feels so fucking good, it’s the best thing he’s felt in a while like this, and his knees start to feel weak. 

He moves his hips faster, rolling them up into his fist like he’s grinding into Peter’s ass and he’s not even aware of it but he keeps gasping and breathing out these little exclamations of how good he’s feeling as he gets closer.

“Oh god. Oh fuck, Peter. Oh god, yes. Yeah, fuck.” It’s all kind of just nonsense, he’s pretty much just babbling but he can’t stop. It doesn’t take long for his voice to stutter on Peter’s name as he comes. He comes so hard he can’t breathe, mouth hanging open silently while the incredible sensations start to rush over him and then groaning harsh and deep in his throat as he rides it out.

It’s a struggle to catch his breath while he tries to recover, everything feels fuzzy and he can’t even think, his brain is offline. He doesn’t even register anything that isn’t relief and the leftover hum of intense arousal as he comes down from that unbelievable high.

It takes him a minute just to lie there and come back to himself. When that happens, the first thing he does is huff a breathless laugh of satisfaction. He still feels kind of like he’s high.

With tremendous effort, he manages to get up and use the bathroom before he crashes. Even though his legs feel weak and he’s so content to just lay there, he’s still too buzzed to fall asleep just yet. 

He feels fucking amazing, to be honest.

He has to try to force himself to sleep, he has to get up early enough to stop by Ned’s parents firm before he meets up with Peter.

It’s not too difficult, once he settles down he ends up feeling so relaxed he feels like he could sleep for a million years.

Thankfully, he doesn’t. 

  
  
  
  


His alarm goes off at seven, and he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t a little difficult to get up. He hasn’t slept for more than a few hours for sure, but with so much to look forward to, it only takes him a few minutes before he’s climbing out of bed to get ready for the day.

Five minutes in the shower, one minute to get dressed and he eats a piece of bread with some peanut butter on it without bothering to take the time to toast it. 

Peter usually either calls or texts him in the mornings to check that he’s eaten something, but it’s too early for him to be awake yet. Considering that they’ll be meeting up in a few hours Tony is hoping that he’ll just get a text today, if anything, because he doesn’t want to answer Peter’s call while he’s talking to Ned’s parents and he doesn’t want to worry Peter by not answering either.

Tony can’t remember the last time he’d taken the subway and to be honest he’s not really keen on it, but if he wants to get to the firm and back quickly, and he does, it’s his best option.

He’s hoping it won’t be as bad as he remembers. 

Turns out, it’s worse. So much worse. Everything is gross and there’s too many people, but it’s fine. He’s doing this for Peter, ultimately, which makes it worth it.

When he finally gets to his stop he’s practically running out of the train and up the stairs to the street where he can breathe in the fresh air again. Well, as fresh as New York City air can get. 

The leaves on the trees that are dotted along the street are turning shades of orange and red and are falling all over the sidewalk. They’re mostly crushed now, having been trampled all over, so the sidewalk leaves are pretty much just warm colored dust at this point. Still, it makes for a pleasant atmosphere, it warms the place up despite the ever-cooling weather as winter approaches.

Without hesitation, Tony walks right into the firm and up to the receptionist. She’s a fairly pretty young girl with lovely, warm skin and brown, curly hair who looks rather unamused by whatever she’s doing on the computer. 

When she notices Tony, she doesn’t greet him the way you’d think one would usually greet a customer. The blatantly apathetic look she gives Tony makes him wonder how or why she got a job as a secretary in the first place because this does not seem like a people person to him.

“Can I help you?” She asks in a flat, bored tone.

“Uh, yeah, I was hoping to talk to one of the Leeds real quick about something. It’s not an accounting thing, it’s a personal thing.” Tony explains.

“If it’s a personal thing, why didn’t you just call them?” The girl asks him.

He could have, he has their number on record somewhere at work but he’s not supposed to go through those records for personal use and just take people’s numbers so he thought this would just be better.

“I don’t have their numbers,” Tony admits.

“You don’t have their numbers?” She repeats, skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Tony replies.

“You know there’s one on the window, right?” She says, pointing to it.

“Yes, but that’s a business number and I’m here for a personal reason,” Tony reasons.

“If you’re here to see them for personal reasons then why don’t you have their personal numbers?” The girl responds.

“I mean, look, they’re acquaintances of mine that I haven’t seen in a while and I thought I could use their help with something so I stopped by, okay?” Tony isn’t frustrated, per say, but he’s getting there and will be soon if he keeps having to explain himself.

Luckily for him, that seems to be explanation enough. Eyebrow still raised, eyes still boring into his in a way that quite frankly is a little intimidating, she picks up the phone without another word to Tony.

“Yeah, some guy is here to see you. He says he wants to talk to you about a non-accounting related, personal thing. Says he knows you.” She says into the phone. She looks away for a moment at something on the computer screen and then looks back up at him and asks him, “Name?”

“Tony Stark.”

“Tony Stark,” She repeats into the phone.

Another few seconds pass and she silently hangs the phone up.

Looking back at Tony, she tells him, “Manny will be here in a minute.”

“Thanks,” Tony says, looking past her down the hallway to try to see anything.

The girl ignores him and goes back to typing at the computer.

It has to be less than a minute before one of the doors on the far left swings open and Manuel Leeds, Ned’s father, comes out.

“Tony!” He exclaims, like he’s thrilled to see him. “Look, Michelle,” He addresses the receptionist now, “It’s Peter Parker’s Uncle Tony, our favorite mechanic!” 

It’s kind of funny, the way he’s announcing Tony’s presence. It’s almost like someone on a children’s show would introduce a new character.

“I thought you seemed familiar,” Michelle says to that and he can’t say the same for her, to be honest.

“So what can I do for you, man?” Manny offers, hand slapping Tony’s bicep.

“Well, you know the kids have graduated now and Peter’s back from school, and I was thinking of planning a surprise, belated little birthday thing for him with Ned and some of his other friends and I was hoping you could get me in touch with Ned?” Tony tells him.

“Neither of us have heard from Peter in a while,” Michelle says, actually looking somewhat interested in what’s going on now. That must be where Tony knows her from, maybe she was one of Peter’s other friends.

“That’s a great idea! Ned will be so happy, he doesn’t say it but I can tell he misses Peter a hell of a lot.” He grabs a business card and a pen from the desk, scribbling something on the back of it before handing it to Tony.

“Here’s my son’s number. Michelle is a good friend of theirs too I’m sure she’d be happy to help you out, wouldn’t you, Michelle?” Manny says, not even really at her. He’s checking his watch now like he has something more important he has to be doing soon.

Michelle does not look happy to help out. Not one bit.

“Sure,” She says, but Tony can tell she probably doesn’t mean it at all.

“Great! Well, Tony, I gotta get back to work, but it’s good to see you, man. We gotta get together soon. I’ll see you around, yeah?” He’s already walking back to the room he’d come from while he’s talking, not even really looking at Tony and he waves goodbye before he closes the door.

It’s not in a rude or dismissive way at all, he’s clearly busy and Tony appreciates the fact that he took the time to come talk to him at all, and without even making him wait.

“So, you think you’d wanna come? I was thinking about next Saturday night, if that works for everyone,” Tony says to Michelle.

“I gotta be honest, dude, I don’t know if Peter even wants to see us. We just... stopped hearing from him. A while ago now. You sure this is something he’d want?” Michelle says.

“Look, I don’t know exactly what happened between you guys, but I know he had a hard time at school, and I know he regrets leaving you guys behind and I think he probably isn’t sure if you guys want to hear from him. As for why you lost touch, I’ll let him speak for himself. Just give him a chance, please,” Tony pleads.

There’s a good minute of what he hopes is Michelle considering what he’s said. He can’t read her at all, her eyes are focused on a spot to her left and there’s a slight frown on her face but that’s all he’s getting.

“... Fine. But I’m pretty sure Ned and I are the only friends he had, so don’t go too all out on this little party. We could just hang out and order pizza and catch up and stuff, I think that’s more Peter’s style. At least, the Peter I remember,” She says.

“He hasn’t changed much, you know. He’s grown up, and he looks different, but he’s still pretty much the same person,” Tony tells her.

“Yeah?” There’s a small smirk growing on her face, a subtle thing but Tony can tell it’s significant considering her generally aloof demeanor. 

“Okay,” She says. “Next Saturday night. Ned and I are both free. Where is this gonna be happening, by the way?”

Tony hadn’t really thought about that, to be honest.

“My place.” It should be fine, even if Pepper does come back and isn’t happy with him, even if he has to leave and find somewhere else to stay, Pepper would say yes. She would do that for Peter.

“Where’s that?” Michelle asks, handing him one of the business cards. “Write it down.”

He does, handing it back to her with his address written on the back.

She studies it, then turns to Tony again.

“We’ll be there at six,” She says before going back to her work, a clear dismissal.

“Thanks so much, I promise you won’t regret this. It’ll be great. I’ll see you then,” Tony is so glad this worked.

He hopes they get past the awkward part quickly and manage to get back to the way things were.

She looks back at him, the right corner of her lip lifting slightly, and gives him a small nod of acknowledgement before focusing on her work again.

On his way back to the subway, Tony is practically skipping down the street, which is ridiculous because he is approaching the disgusting, smelly subway. But he is. He’s just so pleased with how things went. He just thinks seeing his friends again is going to make Peter really happy.

Keeping this a secret for a whole week is going to be really, really hard. Very much worth it, though.

When he gets back to the garage Peter is already there, and he’s let himself in with the spare key Tony had given him on their movie night. 

There’s a plastic bag on the table and something smells like Chinese food, Tony puts two and two together and realizes Peter has brought him lunch which is really thoughtful of him.

The two of them eat lunch together, then spend the rest of the afternoon working on the little robot guy. He’s really starting to come together, and the design Peter has made of his face and body are looking rather cute.

When it comes to dinner time, which Peter makes sure they don’t miss, Tony suggests they watch movies at his place again but Peter wants to take a little walk around the nearby park first. Tony agrees, of course.

As if he needed any more proof that Peter really is too good to be true, it’s like they’ve stepped into a movie with the way Peter interacts with the world, and the world interacts back.

The sunshine and the warmth of the reds, oranges and yellows of the trees have Peter glowing. He looks so fucking beautiful it has Tony lost for words. He can’t say much, he’s too focused on Peter.

The way he snuggles up inside his jacket when a cool breeze passes, shoulders bunching up and making his scarf cover his chin is the cutest thing Tony has probably ever seen in his fucking life.

Not only that, but every time Peter smiles at a passing child the child smiles back like they’re already friends. Every time someone with a dog walks past them, the dog barks and jumps at Peter who stops to pet them. 

It’s like the rest of Tony’s body, covered in goosebumps, is feeling the cold except his heart, which seems to think it’s a hundred degrees with the way it melts. Like it hasn’t gotten the memo about the weather because Peter’s sweetness has warmed it so thoroughly.

Tony is almost sorry when they head back to his place. He thinks he’d give up eating, sleeping, anything at all really just to say in that moment and appreciate Peter’s loveliness.

  
  
  
  
  


The next week carries on very similarly to the one before it. Sunday night dinner is far more lively than the last. Tony, himself, is much more lively. He cracks a one-liner that has everyone in stitches. Jules is literally a crying mess. It has him feeling proud, like a version of himself he’d forgotten existed is coming to the light.

He can’t remember the last time he’d made anyone laugh that much. Sure, his sister tends to be a little over the top, but still.

Tony doesn’t hear from Pepper yet. He respects that. He’s still feeling guilty, but he’s at peace with the whole situation more and more as the days pass.

He doesn’t really have a chance to dwell. He isn’t alone much anymore, and when he is he’s usually texting Peter anyway. They are spending more and more time together, getting to know each other a little better. 

It’s hard for Tony to feel down when Peter makes him so damn happy.

When Saturday comes around, Tony starts getting nervous. He starts to doubt his plan. What if Peter doesn’t really want to see his old friends? What if things go wrong, and they have a fight and Peter just gets upset?

He spends all day worrying, thinking about whether to go through with it, wondering if he should just tell Peter what’s going on.

There’s no turning back, though. Six o’ clock rapidly approaches. 

He and Peter are working on their little robot friend in the garage who Peter has decided to name ‘Dum-e’ because apparently all three of them are a bunch of dummy’s now, a throwback to the time Tony came out to Peter the first time they came here.

It’s a little difficult to get Peter to stop working and head back to his place, Peter doesn’t really want to leave before he finishes this one thing he’s working on and Tony doesn’t know how to explain why they can’t just wait another hour or so.

However Peter, being the sweetheart that he is, accepts Tony’s excuse of just being really hungry already and is just happy that Tony is the one stopping and wanting to eat before Peter can remind him.

They get there at five forty seven, and Tony is an anxious mess. He’s trying not to let it show, trying to distract Peter with conversation but the boy can clearly tell something is up. 

Hell, Peter probably knows him better than anyone else at this point. It’s amazing he’s even managed to make it this far without Peter catching on.

Tony checks the time again. Five fifty four.

“Okay. What’s going on? You’re kinda freaking me out,” Peter prompts him.

Thankfully, before he can think of an answer, there’s a buzz from downstairs- a request to be let up.

“Oh, gotta get that,” Tony says and Peter is just looking at him, a little exasperated.

Tony buzzes them in with a little greeting of “come on up.”

“Did you already order something to eat? What’d you get?” Peter asks, confused.

“Not exactly…” Tony replies cryptically.

“Then who is it? Is Pepper coming home? Why won’t you just tell me what’s going on, Tony?” Peter complains.

“It’s not Pepper. It’s for you, actually,” Tony finally admits.

“For me? What do you me-” Peter is interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

“Just wait here!” Tony practically shouts. There’s no need for it, but he’s really starting to panic.

Tony peeks out of the door, barely having opened it, and there he sees Michelle and who he definitely recognizes as Ned. The kid has grown. They’re both holding presents. Perfect.

“Hey, dude!” Ned greets him.

“Hey,” Tony starts, but Peter speaks at the same time. “Is that…” Peter tries to say, but Tony finishes his sentence before he can finish. “Come in!”

“... Ned?” Peter finishes asking. He looks completely bewildered by the sight of his old friends.

“Peter! Hey dude, how the hell are you?!” Ned exclaims, clearly very excited to see Peter again.

“What?” Peter is literally speechless. “I… What?” He’s laughing, but it’s definitely a nervous laugh of disbelief. Ned doesn’t wait for him to catch up, just pulls him into a hug.

Michelle is standing there, smirking at the two of them.

“What’s up, Peter?” She says.

“What? What the… What the hell are you guys doing here?” Peter asks, although he’s clearly very happy to see them. He’s beaming at them. Ned is beaming back. Michelle smiles with her teeth for a moment which shocks Tony a little, to be honest.

“We’re here for a belated birthday hang out! We’ve got so two to make up for, so. Oh! I got you this, hope you like it, dude.” Ned hands him the present.

Michelle simply hands hers to him without a word.

“MJ!” Peter exclaims, throwing the gifts onto the couch behind him and hugging her. She looks hesitant, doesn’t immediately lift her arms to embrace him back, but she does. She’s still smiling, quite wide now. 

Tony isn’t surprised that Peter is the one to melt the girl’s cool exterior, he is sunshine personified.

It’s time for Tony to leave.

“Bye, kids. Have fun!” He says as he goes to do just that. Ned is joining in on the action and making it a group hug as Tony heads towards the door.

Peter’s attention is back on him for the first time since his friends came into the apartment, looking at up at him for a moment.

The boy’s face is a mix of emotions. He looks elated, but also still a little bit confused, and a lot like he wants to cry. It makes Tony wish he were the one hugging him so he can comfort the boy.

 _‘Thank you’_ Peter mouths to Tony silently as the man looks back at them for one more time before walking out the door.

Tony feels a lot better now, things seem to be going well so far. He’s beyond happy that Peter looks so happy.

Now what to do to pass the time.

He ends up texting Jules and asking what she’s up to. They meet up for dinner somewhere halfway between where they both live.

Jules tells him, for the billionth time now, how proud she is of him and that she’s always there for him if he needs her.

“That was a really nice thing you did for Petey, Tones. I noticed you guys have been spending a lot of time together lately,” She says to him and although most of the guilt over his feelings about Peter have disappeared by now, they come rushing back when she says that.

It’s weird to talk about with her. It makes him feel paranoid and all kinds of depraved when he thinks about the way he really feels about Peter, his fucking _nephew_ , while he’s talking to his sister, Peter’s aunt.

It just kind of hits home how fucked up it all is all over again.

“I think it’s great, bro. You guys are so alike, it honestly surprises me it took this long for you guys to get so close. Did he help you with the whole coming out thing, too?” She asks.

Her observation of the two of them makes him really nervous.

“Yeah, he did,” Tony says.

“Yeah, ‘course he did. He’s an amazing little dude. Oh, pass me more of those spring rolls pleaaase,” She finishes her sentence in a sing-songy voice, moving on. Thank fuck for that.

Tony doesn’t know when to expect Peter and his friends to be done hanging out, and he doesn’t want to intrude. He and Jules hang out for a few hours. 

After they eat they head towards this little, independent art gallery that one of Jules’ friends apparently owns. Jules explains all the works to him and what they mean and it’s honestly kind of interesting.

“So when do I get to see some of your stuff, huh? Any of it in here?” Tony asks her.

“Nah, not yet. It’s not quite good enough, I don’t think,” she murmurs.

It reminds Tony that he’s not the only Stark sibling who’s harsh on themselves, who doesn’t feel like they’re good enough.

“No offense, sis, but that’s the stupid thing you’ve ever said. You’re clearly the next Van Gogh,” he says, knowing that’s one of her all time favourite artists and the only one on the list whose name Tony remembers.

“Van Gogh chopped off part of his ear and sent it to a prostitute, so I don’t know what you’re trying to say there, bro,” she quips.

“Uh, nobody’s perfect. He’s amazing and so are you. Stop changing the subject and accept that you’re amazing,” Tony demands.

“Nuh uh,” she replies, but she’s smiling and Tony thinks she hears what he’s saying: that she’s talented and lots of people will appreciate her work.

He goes to say just that, explicitly, but then he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

 **Peter:** _my friends went home, you can come back now :)_

There’s a smile so Tony assumes things went well and feels a little relieved. Not completely, not yet, he can’t be sure. But it helps.

“I can find my way back from here,” Jules says into his ear, reading the message over his shoulder. “You go on home.”

So he does.

Peter is waiting for him when he gets back. His eyes are a little red, like maybe he’d been crying a bit, which really scares Tony for a second.

He doesn’t have a chance for the fear to sink in, because Peter is smiling at him so big and getting up off the couch and coming towards him and before he knows what’s happening, Peter’s hugging him tightly.

“Thank you,” Peter laughs softly. “Thank you so much. We worked everything out and now I have my friends back. You don’t know how much this means to me.” It sounds like he might be about to cry again, and so Tony tightens his arms around him.

“You’re welcome,” Tony whispers.

When Peter pulls back, there’s a few tears rolling down his cheeks and Tony doesn’t even think about it, he just lifts his hands to hold those soft cheeks and uses his thumbs to caress the skin under those warm brown eyes to stop the tears from falling.

“This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me,” Peter says quietly.

“You deserve it, sweetheart. You deserve the world,” Tony tells him.

Peter smiles softly and closes his eyes. His small hands lift to cover Tony’s where the man is still touching his face and Tony’s heart jumps into his throat, like it’s trying to make its way up out of his mouth and into Peter’s hands.

Like it wasn’t already aware the boy already holds his whole heart in his hands.

Nothing is said, it’s just this quiet moment. Tony wants to kiss him so badly, on his eyelids where they’re closed in a way that accentuates the sweet curl of his lashes, on his cheeks, on his pretty little lips.

He can’t. He knows he can’t.

“Let me walk you home,” he says instead. “It’s late.”

“Okay.”

They don’t say anything else at all, not the whole time they’re heading to Peter’s apartment but they’re walking so close their arms are touching the entire time, hands brushing occasionally.

Peter hugs Tony again before he goes, holding him tight to his body.

“Come upstairs, I want to show you something,” Peter whispers.

Tony can’t say no to him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally done! warning: this chapter includes smut.  
> i'm sorry it took so long when i replied to some comments that it wouldn't but things have been kind of rough for me lately.  
> i hope it all flows and is coherent, it's unbeta'd.

There’s nobody else home at Peter’s place. Apparently his parents are at some conference which, according to Peter, means they’ll probably be out drinking with their other scientist friends until the early hours of the morning.

Tony is relieved that they aren’t around right now, although he feels a bit bad about the fact that he feels relieved so it balances out.

“Come into my room,” Peter says, which has Tony so nervous. He knows Peter doesn’t mean what he wants him to mean, but still.

“Look! I finished it this morning, I only had a little bit left to do,” Peter says, gesturing to the lego castle Tony had bought him for his birthday. It’s on display on top of his desk, at the back besides his old computer that Tony knows he fixed up on his own.

“It looks great, Pete. It really is pretty, isn’t it?” Tony observes.

“Yeah, it really is. I still wanna live there one day. I know it’ll never happen, but it’s fun to dream, right?” Peter says and yeah, Tony can definitely relate to that sentiment.

The man finds himself wondering if there is any way he can manage to have a real life replica built for Peter. There’s no way he can, he knows that, but he still wishes he could.

Tony takes a minute to appreciate the castle. It looks like it’s made up of a lot of little pieces, no wonder it had cost so much. It must have taken Peter a lot of meticulous work to build it.

It’s a little warm in the room, central heating must be on, so Tony takes his jacket off and rests it on the back of the desk chair.

He also takes a look around the rest of Peter’s room. It’s a fairly decent size. The walls are white and covered in posters, the floor is honey colored hardwood. The Millennium Falcon that Jules had bought for him is half finished in one corner of the room. He has a double bed now- his parents must have gotten it for him sometime before he came home. He definitely would have outgrown the old single.

Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Tony looks at Peter who is still standing by the desk, looking at the castle.

Then Peter looks back at him. It’s hard to describe the look on his face, it’s not a look he has ever given Tony before and he doesn’t know what to make of it.

For a few moments they just look at each other. Peter’s eyes are searching Tony’s from across the room and it has the man feeling anxious. He thinks he sees a fire blazing just behind them, adding to their warmth but again he chalks it up to the flame flickering to life inside his own chest as the boy draws nearer.

Slowly he approaches Tony, gaze never straying from those deep, dark eyes. There’s nothing else on Tony’s mind- it’s empty save for the angelic creature moving slowly closer, almost like he’s not fully sure about what he’s doing.

Once he’s close enough, Tony closes his eyes as his breath catches. Something about this feels important, there’s tension he isn’t so sure is one sided anymore and it’s almost overwhelming him. He feels soft hands gently run through his hair, subtly urging him to lift his head.

He opens his eyes to see Peter’s face mere inches from his.

Like the nerves in his body had been blacked out, everything in him comes alive. His skin seems to be hyper aware of all the places they’re close to touching, as though his skin is sensitive enough to Peter to feel his heat without actual contact- like some romantically fueled allergic reaction.

Tony can see every little pixel of color in Peter’s eyes like this- all the golden yellows and browns and specks of green hidden close to his pupil.

He hasn’t noticed Peter’s face moving closer, it’s such a subtle thing, but he feels the warmth of his breath against the corner of his lips and part of his cheek. It has him sighing, has him wanting so desperately to fill the space between them and feel that heat inside his mouth instead.

Does Peter want to kiss him? It looks so much like he does, and Tony tries to doubt it but that’s difficult to do when Peter is staring at his lips like they’re water and he’s a man dying of thirst.

How the fuck is Tony supposed to resist that?

Tony’s hands are resting on Peter’s hips. Their noses brush lightly, and their lips are almost close enough to be doing the same thing. So Tony gives in. He moves forward just so and presses his lips to Peter’s, and the boy’s press back. 

For a moment that’s all there is, but it’s perfect. Peter’s lips are as soft as silk and when he moves one hand to cup Tony’s face while he tilts his head to the left, lips gliding so sweetly against the older man’s it’s clear this really is what he wants.

The revelation has Tony’s heart glowing. Light filters out from there and fills his entire being with pure bliss.

A few more gentle kisses shared between them, a minute of utter perfection that makes Tony wish he could stop time and just live in this moment.

Peter is the one who takes things further, opening his mouth a little and pressing more firmly- deep enough to feel a little bit wet. It’s his tongue that’s grazing against Tony’s bottom lip, roaming past it and into the man’s mouth when it opens up for him. Tony can _taste_ him, and the second he does arousal shoots through him right down to his dick which is just really starting to take interest, now.

They fall easily into a beautiful flow. It’s more intense than anything Tony has ever experienced- and he’s experienced a _lot_. He knows Peter doesn’t have much experience if any, but it doesn’t really matter because his natural instincts are clearly working for him.

It’s unfortunate that even just being in Peter’s presence makes it so much harder to breathe because pulling back is the last thing Tony wants to do, but at a certain point it becomes necessary.

With heavy-lidded eyes he studies Peter’s face. It’s so flushed, covered in a gorgeous, deep shade of pink. His lips are still parted and he looks completely dazed.

Resting his forehead against the older man’s, Peter closes his eyes and whispers his name.

“ _Tony_.”

It’s the most perfect thing Tony has ever heard in his whole life.

He sees Peter moving before he feels strong thighs, one and then the other, pushing into the mattress besides him, and then Peter is sitting in his lap. Now their bodies are as close as their faces which happens to be very, _very_ close.

There’s so much Tony is feeling but he is truly speechless right now. He’s in total awe of the bewitchingly graceful, impossibly lovely boy perched atop his upper thighs. 

Then the boy is kissing him again, deeper and a little dirtier than before until Peter starts rolling his hips down against Tony’s, making the man gasp into his pretty mouth. He can feel where Peter’s body is showing it’s interest against his lower stomach, can feel where the boy is _hard_ and, oh god, is that for him?

He’s sure Peter can feel him growing harder, too, underneath his perfect little ass where it’s grinding down on Tony’s cock through his jeans.

Tony starts kissing and nipping at Peter’s neck, taking his time while he makes his way down to pronounced collarbones he can feel, delicate but solid, underneath his teeth. 

Lips glide back up to the boy’s jaw and suck at a spot that has him shivering and whimpering softly and soon they find their way back to those pretty lips, the kiss rapidly evolving into something deep and almost desperate, both men getting more and more worked up.

“Mmmmh,” Peter moans into it, growing seemingly desperate, quickly losing any finesse.

When Peter pulls back, Tony actually whines. He can’t even bring himself to care how pathetic he might sound, he just wants this beautiful boy as close as he can have him.

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Peter admits shyly. The admission has Tony’s eyebrows raising in disbelief. He wonders for a second if he’s dreaming this.

“You… really?” Tony replies, astounded.

“Yes. I know how wrong it is but I’ve always looked up to you, and… I always thought you were so hot, you were pretty much my first crush.” Warm eyes are focused downward and Tony thinks he can see the pink in those already rosy cheeks darken a little.

“Peter…” Tony is so touched, but still too shocked to really say much.

“I’m sorry if I went too far. I just thought you finally saw me, that you finally felt the same way. The way you look at me sometimes… nobody has ever looked at me the way you do.”

It almost makes him feel bad, he never meant for Peter to be able to tell how he was feeling- but then again, how can he when Peter says it like he’s fond of it, like it matters to him.

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have let things get this far. I’m the one who’s out of line here, Pete. This isn’t right, I know that, but... there’s just no way I can resist you, baby.”

Peter beams.

“Really?” His nose scrunches adorably when he speaks because he’s smiling so much and it’s so unbelievably cute that Tony has the urge to pepper kisses all over his precious face, so he does. Peter giggles and once it’s done, hides his face in the crook of Tony’s neck, holding him.

“Of course. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, sweetheart. I’ve never wanted anyone like this,” Tony breathes into his ear.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Me either. You really have no idea how much I want you, Tony.”

Fuck, but those words do terrible, wonderful things to him.

Then Peter is climbing off of his lap, which is the last thing Tony wants but he isn’t about to stop him. He’s already so blessed just to know what it was like to have the boy there, it’s more than he feels he deserves.

These memories are going to bring him some kind of bittersweet joy for the rest of his life, he knows it. Even when Peter realizes he needs to move on, even when Tony has to _watch_ him move on, Tony knows his heart and soul will be stuck in this room, in this moment, for the rest of time.

There isn’t a chance to dwell too much on that pensive train of thought, however. Because now Peter, gazing at him with hooded eyes, sinks down onto the floor between Tony’s legs, bringing his hands to settle on each of the older man’s knees.

Tony’s eyes must be bulging out of his head because he truly can’t believe what he is seeing right now. 

Peter is looking up at him with those stunning doe eyes in a way that makes him look so innocent and sweet which, in contrast to what it looks like he’s about to do, should not be as alluring as it is.

“I have wanted to do this for so long,” Peter murmurs. His hands slide up Tony’s thighs towards his crotch, then rub back and forth a little right before they reach their destination. “I’ve dreamed about this so many times.”

All these confessions, just on their own, are enough to turn Tony on more than anything any partner has ever done to him before.

“Are you absolutely sure, baby?”

As if the question reassures him, Peter gets this look of determination in his eyes, one that wouldn’t be noticeable if Tony didn’t know him so well, with his pupils blown so wide like they are. 

He’s popping the button on Tony’s jeans and Tony thanks the lord or whatever is out there (or not, who knows) that he didn’t bother wearing a belt today.

“Completely.”

Then he’s tugging at the jeans which fit Tony snugly enough to pull his briefs down a bit with them, exposing some of the dark curls underneath. Then once the pants are out of the way, down go the briefs, resting mid-thigh with them. 

In retrospect Tony wishes he’d been a little more prepared, the situation there could be a little more under control, but Peter definitely doesn’t seem to mind, if the way his jaw drops when he sees it is any indication.

It’s a little amusing to Tony, too, because the man knows he’s nothing special. He’s average, circumcised, leans slightly to the right. He’s getting older, too, so he knows there’s sometimes one or two (sometimes more) gray hairs hiding among the others which he hopes to god is not the case right now.

It makes Peter’s inexperience abundantly clear, but at the same time it’s also really flattering.

“It’s better than I ever imagined,” Peter says, like he’s awestruck.

It’s honestly a little unbelievable to Tony how much the boy likes what he sees, but it still makes his chest tighten.

He isn’t sure what to say, does he say thank you?

He doesn’t have to think about it for long because Peter’s hand comes to grab at his cock to hold it in place while his warm, wet little tongue is flicking out at the head, a little tease. It steals Tony’s breathe. His deep inhale only seems to encourage Peter, who then gives him an open mouthed kiss right at the tip before making his way down to his balls.

He looks simultaneously confident and timid, somehow. He’s looking Tony in the eyes while he kisses on his cock but his actions show he’s a little unsure of what he’s doing.

It honestly barely matters though, because what he is doing is blowing Tony’s fucking mind. The boy hasn’t even gotten it in his mouth yet and it already feels _incredible_.

Peter’s definitely got some kind of spell on him, Tony thinks. He’s magical. 

And when he finally decides to open up and suck Tony’s cock into his mouth? Holy. fucking. _Shit_.

He can only take in a few inches at first, bobbing his head while he looks up at Tony and it has the older man lost for words. He’s already panting like he’s just run a mile and it just seems to urge Peter on. 

The boy gets more enthusiastic with his actions, taking in a little more, using the hand holding Tony’s dick to stimulate what he can’t reach with his mouth.

It’s a little sloppy, but Peter definitely has good instincts. He knows enough to know he needs to keep his teeth out of the way and watches Tony’s reactions to see what he likes, using the man’s body language as silent praise, like a quiet guide.

Peter keeps a steady pace, humming and closing his eyes like it’s making him feel just as amazing. It takes the man a minute to realize it’s because he’s unbuttoned his own pants and is jerking himself off underneath his boxers.

The image Peter makes, the incredible things he’s doing to Tony and the idea that pleasuring the man is enough to turn him on enough that he needs to touch himself too? Makes for an intoxicating combination that just intensifies everything.

This is without a doubt the best thing Tony has ever felt. He groans and let’s Peter know, he can’t help himself, and he feels a moan reverberate through his dick in response.

He has to actively stop himself from thrusting into the feeling of warm, wet suction. He knows this is Peter’s first time doing this and it thrills him. There’s a sick sense of pride in the fact that he is the only person who has ever had the boy like this, and he’s possessive enough to wish he could be the only one who ever gets the privilege.

All Tony wants is to feel this way forever, to have this perfect little angel making him feel so fucking good until the end of time but there’s no way that’s possible. He’s barely managed to last as long as he has (how long that is, he couldn’t tell you) and he already feels like he’s about to burst at any given second.

He tenses his lower body in an attempt to hold on, wants to think about something that might turn him off but he can’t bring himself to ruin this for himself by thinking about anything that isn’t Peter. 

The wrongness of the situation occurs to him and he tries to use that to dull his arousal but to his surprise it only seems to make it hotter. How can something that made him feel so guilty not so long ago be turning him on so much now?

He can’t last any longer.

“Fuck, baby, it feels so… _fuck,_ so fucking good, I can’t… I’m... oh _fuck,_ ” his voice is so deep, so strained when he speaks.

He’s got his hands on Peter’s shoulders, trying to push him away as gently as he can. It turns out to be too gentle because it isn’t until Tony’s cock twitches in his mouth that he pulls back and it’s just a little too late to avoid the bit of cum that lands on his tongue and lips. 

To say that Tony comes hard would be a major understatement. It’s mind-numbing, toe-curling pleasure unlike anything he’s ever felt before. He has definitely never had an orgasm so intense, he wasn’t even aware it was possible for it to feel like this. He’s gasping desperately for breath but he can’t seem to get any air into his lungs. If he were at all capable of coherent thought he’d probably be worried about it.

Peter closes his eyes just in time for it to spurt all over his perfect, pretty face. His lips stay partly open while he uses his hand to finish Tony off and when the man is done, panting for dear life, Peter _licks his lips and hums_ like Tony’s cum is something delicious, like frosting he’d just licked off of a whisk while baking a cake.

Jesus fucking Christ.

“God, _Peter_ ,” he groans, admiring the gorgeous creature kneeling before him. Peter’s face is flushed red and he has this blissed out look on his face like he’s the one who just came and Tony swears the boy has never looked more beautiful.

“So it was good?” That soft, sweet voice asks, a hint of insecurity behind the mask of confidence he’s been trying to show.

“It was more than good, angel. You’re amazing,” Tony sighs.

That makes Peter’s face light up even more and it’s then that Tony notices his hand still moving slowly up and down inside his pants, can see where his cock is peeking out of his boxers.

Tony is a little dumbfounded for a second, he wants to offer to help, but when he looks up at Peter’s face and sees the mess he’s made he decides instead to take off his shirt and reaches it towards the boy’s face in an attempt to clean it.

With a smile, Peter takes it from him and uses it to wipe his face clean. There’s still a little stuck in his eyelashes on his left eye where it’d hit him and it shouldn’t matter so much to Tony, the way they’re still clumped together with his cum, but it really does.

It’s a little twisted how much he likes it.

“I’ll wash this for you, thanks,” Peter says, breathless. Thanking him just for helping Peter clean up the mess Tony had made of his face like the sweetheart he is.

Tony feels the urge to kiss him again. He may have already come but that doesn’t mean he won’t still want Peter as close as he can get him. 

He guides Peter to stand back up and meets him halfway in another kiss. It’s the filthiest one yet, mostly just tongue, and it feels so good.

With Peter’s hands busy exploring Tony’s newly exposed chest, the man can bring a hand down to massage Peter’s cock where it’s hard through his pants.

He lets his hand drift into Peter’s boxers where he grabs hold of Peter’s cock for the first time. Tony can feel how hot he is, can already feel how wet he’s gotten at the tip where precum leaks out of him and Tony knows he’s probably fairly close.

He feels Peter gasp against his mouth as his hand starts to move, loosely and slowly at first.

“Is this okay?” Tony whispers against Peter’s mouth, needing to be sure.

“Yes! God, yes- please, don’t stop touching me,” Peter whines like the very thought of Tony stopping is completely _unbearable_ to him.

Honestly, the thought is pretty unbearable to Tony, too. He’d stop without question if Peter asked but lord knows he never wants this to end.

Tightening his fist around the hard, dripping cock in his hand, Tony speeds up his strokes.

“I’ve thought about this so many times. For years, every time I touched myself, I imagined it was you. I can’t believe you really want me,” Peter sighs.

“How could I not, baby? You’re perfect,” Tony praises, unable to decide whether he wants to watch Peter’s pretty, aching dick twitching in his hand as he gets close to the edge, or the boy’s devastatingly beautiful face.

“I want you. I wanna feel you inside me, want you to fuck me, please,” Peter moans softly, eyelids heavy like he’s struggling to keep them open and lips parted like he couldn’t close them if he tried.

Now Tony truly cannot believe what he’s hearing, it’s just too good to be true.

“Fuck, there’s nothing I want more than that, sweetheart. I’d be so good to you, I’d make you feel so good. I’ll give you everything you ever wanted and more, baby, I mean it,” Tony says.

Peter groans “Mmnh _god_ , Uncle Tony,” in response as he starts to come. Tony isn’t sure how to feel about it, on the one hand he wants to forget who they are to the other, but he’d be lying if he didn’t acknowledge the fact that some twisted, dark part of him (that’s been previously silent) doesn’t love it.

“Oh. _Ohhh_ ,” Peter moans shakily, his body trembling. Most of his cum drips out onto Tony’s hand. 

It’s a beautiful sight, almost as beautiful as the euphoric look on Peter’s face. Eyes closed, mouth wide open, cheeks as red as a strawberry.

Tony is too enthralled to speak. He wants to give Peter encouragement and praise but he can’t manage to find the words.

Peter’s chest is rising and falling dramatically, his breathing heavy, and he’s grinning so wide. Tony can’t help kissing him again, and again and again. He’s got the prettiest smile in the world, Tony thinks.

Although he seems thoroughly worn out, Peter kisses back. 

Once the boy pulls back to catch his breath again, Tony’s kisses make their way over the warm blush of his cheeks, to his damp forehead, to the sensitive skin behind his ear and back to his lips again. Peter can’t stop smiling the entire time, and it’s contagious.

“Baby,” Tony mutters softly. There’s too much else to say and he doesn’t know where to begin. His fingers run through Peter’s hair while the other goes to hold his hand, bringing that to his mouth so he can kiss it, too.

One of these days he might just have to cover that soft, beautiful body in kisses. Well, if he ever gets the chance, that is. This could very well be a one-off thing, and that’s okay. It’s more than he could have ever dreamed of deserving.

Tony is still seated on the bed and Peter is standing between his open legs. He can see that the boy’s legs are a bit shaky. He takes a moment to pull his jeans and underwear back up before he makes his next move.

Grabbing Peter by the thighs, Tony lifts him as he stands only to turn and lay him on his bed, staying close. It makes the boy laugh his adorable, melodic little laugh which compels Tony to get even closer, climbing up on the bed, pulling Peter to him.

Rolling over onto his side, Peter’s head comes to rest on Tony’s chest. He lets one arm rest over the man’s abdomen, delicate fingers caressing his tired, aged skin ever so gently. How such a simple thing manages to be so soothing while at the same time making his heart beat so fast, Tony doesn’t know.

He wants to stay here with this absolute dream of a boy in his arms, fall asleep with him, wake up with him still there. Tomorrow and every day after.

It’s not possible though. Peter is definitely old enough to take care of himself but that doesn’t mean one of his parents won’t peek into his room when they get home, or in the morning to say hello. It just can’t happen.

Tony is going to have to leave, sooner rather than later. He doesn’t want to risk waiting until it’s too late and having to escape through the window and scale the building from nine stories up.

“Baby,” Tony says into soft, brown curls. “I should probably go home.”

“Nooooo,” Peter whines, one arm tightening it’s hold on Tony, the other dainty hand gripping the man’s bicep, nuzzling in closer. “Don’t go yet, please.”

“I don’t want to, Pete, but I’m gonna have to. I’m sorry sweetheart. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“Mmmh, and how exactly do you plan on doing that?” Peter asks coyly, still not letting go.

“Well,” Tony replies, confidence growing. Thinking he might actually get another chance to be with Peter like this again. “I would definitely love a chance to get my mouth on you.”

“Oh god, yes please,” Peter actually whimpers. “Are you gonna fuck me, Tony? Please? I want it so bad.”

 _Fuck_.

“If you’re sure that’s what you want, baby,” Tony rasps.

“Do you not want that?” Peter questions.

“Of course I do, Pete. But it’s a big thing-”

“Yeah it is,” Peter interjects.

“- and I want you to be sure about it.” Tony finishes, chuckling at Peter’s joke.

“I’m sure. Like really, really, really, reaaaally sure,” Peter answers.

His enthusiasm makes Tony laugh again.

“Okay, baby. But right now I gotta get home,” Tony says, moving himself out of Peter’s grip so he can get up.

Peter pouts at him.

Before he puts his jacket back on, or buttons up his jeans or anything else, Tony sits back down on the bed and looks at the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.

Cupping Peter’s face so he can give him just a few more soft kisses, Tony whispers, “I don’t want to leave, Pete. You have to know that. I wish I could stay here with you.”

It looks like Peter is tearing up a little, but he closes his eyes before Tony can tell for sure.

“Workshop tomorrow, before dinner?” Peter asks, opening his eyes again but avoiding looking directly into Tony’s, opting to look at where he’s stroking the man’s arm instead.

“You got it, babe.”

Then, while Tony is checking the time on his phone (it’s almost half past eleven) and gathering his things, Peter is sitting up in bed and is watching him quietly.

It isn’t until Tony puts his jacket on, zipping it all the way up since he’d rather not wear his shirt, that Peter gets up. Shoving the dirty shirt into his jacket pocket creates a small bulge on one side, but it’s fine. He doubts anyone will notice and if they do, who cares.

“Hey, I said I’d wash that for you,” Peter offers.

“It’s okay, Petey, you don’t have to do that. Besides, I wouldn’t want your parents finding it somehow,” Tony replies.

“Yeah, that’s true.”

The mentioning of the Elephant in the Room (Peter’s parents) dampens the mood somewhat.

“You don’t… regret anything, do you?” Tony asks anxiously.

“No! Definitely not. I could never,” Peter assures him. To drive the point home, he wraps his arms around Tony’s neck and pulls him in for one more kiss.

It makes it even harder to walk away. Tony’s heart is so full, there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

When he gets home he lies awake reliving the night in his head over and over. It takes a long time to fall asleep but when he does, he has the sweetest dreams he’s had in a long, long time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Only one chapter left to go.  
> Warnings: mentions of alcohol, lots of angst.

Waking up the next morning comes easy. It’s still dark outside when his eyes blink open, his body restless, urging him to hop out of bed immediately. Tony’s heart is beating much faster than usual and he is filled with more energy than he can remember having in at least a decade, maybe two.

He’s never particularly been a fan of mornings. It’s an anomaly. He could swear that nobody has ever been so excited to start their day. He certainly hasn’t, not until today. 

It’s impossible to focus on anything. He can’t stop thinking about last night. By the time he jumps in the shower, a whole three minutes after he gets out of bed, he’s almost half hard just from remembering. It would probably be possible to ignore it until it settles, but he doesn’t want to. 

It’s almost not good enough anymore, can’t compare to the transcendent feeling of the wet warmth of Peter’s mouth, but it will have to do.

If he thought he felt good before, he must be floating by the time he comes out of the shower. Everything feels wonderfully fuzzy. It’s like all the warm feelings from within Tony have taken on new life and are wrapping him in a shroud of comfort and happiness.

While Tony always looks forward to seeing Peter, the feeling today is something new. He’s excited, yes, but also incredibly nervous. It was almost easier before he knew Peter was into him, now he’s overthinking everything- wondering what he should do, what he should say. Is it still appropriate to hug Peter hello? Will he want to ignore what happened? Does he regret it?

Tony tells himself it’s all in his head, takes a deep breath, and leaves.

It takes conscious effort not to skip down the street. The bitter voice in Tony’s head that he’s gotten so used to hearing every day tells him he’s being ridiculous, but he doesn’t care. It’s never been easier to shut that voice up.

Seeing Peter again after yesterday pretty much just shuts his brain down completely. The boy is sitting at the desk inside the garage, looking at something on his phone and Tony knows he’s not going to be able to keep his hands to himself.

It’s dimly lit inside with the garage door shut completely, and it’s a lovely sunny day outside, but it’s more than worth it. Tony would usually feel bad about wasting electricity by having the lights on when it’s bright outside, but not today.

There’s not a damn thing that can make him feel bad when Peter looks up at him, beaming. Nothing in the world matters more.

All the doubts from earlier seem to vanish. Tony is hit with confidence he couldn’t find even the night before during their hook up.

He storms right over to Peter and kisses him, soft and sweet.

When he pulls back, there’s a blush warming Peter’s face. Tony can feel it under his hands where he’s cupping Peter’s cheeks.

“Hi,” Peter says gently. He’s looking up at Tony like the man is something precious and it has Tony’s heart melting.

“Hi, baby,” Tony whispers. They still have a lot of work to do but for right now all he wants is to appreciate this moment. Lord only knows how many of them the two might get the chance to have.

Peter stands and kisses him again, body pressing into the man like it’s killing him not to do it, like being close isn’t close enough. There’s some kind of desperation to it and Tony knows it’s because the same thoughts have been occurring to Peter: how many times are they going to get to be together like this?

It hurts too much to think about, turns something perfect into something bittersweet until Tony can’t stand to think about it anymore.

It isn’t clear how much time they waste before Peter pulls back, laughing softly.

“I’m almost finished,” he says.

“We could probably get this done within the week,” Tony agrees. “I’m so proud of you.”

That has Peter blushing all over again, looking down, grinning.

“I mean it, Pete. You’re amazing. What you’ve created here is amazing,” Tony assures him, hoping the praise sinks in.

“Thank you,” Peter murmurs, pulling Tony back into a kiss.

They don’t end up getting much work done, with Peter ending up straddling Tony like he had the night before. Tony’s lips on Peter’s neck have the boy panting and Tony can feel how hard he’s getting.

He doesn’t want to take it there again yet, though. Maybe because it’s a Sunday, so it’s only a matter of hours before they have to face the rest of their family. Whatever the reason Tony is thankful for the ability to think clearly enough not to take things too far.

Peter does not seem quite as thankful. At a certain point he huffs and stalks off to the bathroom to deal with it on his own, which has Tony overthinking for a short while, panicking that he’s made a mistake.

When the boy comes back, however, he seems content. Nothing’s wrong, he isn’t mad. Tony knows logically he understands, but he can’t suppress the urge to do anything to make him happy. To avoid anything that might hurt him, if he can.

It’s a promise he wants to make, but something he knows he won’t be able to keep. He tells himself one day he has to have the sense to break things off, to be responsible. To save Peter from this fucked up relationship that could ruin both their lives.

The very idea of it makes him want to scream and bang his head on the wall. All he can think is ‘ _who cares? I’ll risk everything’_. 

Having Peter climb into his lap is a wonderful distraction. Arms wrap around his neck and Peter smiles at him lovingly, and all Tony’s fears fly out the window.

At that moment he really thinks he could give up everything in his life for this.

So Tony let’s himself get swept up in the magic of Peter Parker until their phones start interrupting with messages asking where they are, to stop working on their dumb robot and come eat dinner.

The idea of being around family after what they’ve done hangs in the air, present between them like it has taken on physical form.

Both of them are silent as they gather their things. Peter watches quietly as Tony locks up. The both of them walk as slow as possible to Peter’s place, not a word spoken between them.

The magic is gone. The moment has died. Tony only hopes it’s strong enough to survive the night, to come back to them the next time they’re alone again.  
  
  


To say dinner is a bit of a challenge for Tony would be an incredible understatement. Every second he’s around Peter and not touching him feels like torture. It’s almost like a compulsion to stare at those lovely, pink lips knowing where they’ve been- but he can’t do that.

Because they are surrounded by family and every time he thinks about it- after the warmth he feels in his cheeks and the spike of happiness he feels- a crushing wave of guilt so strong envelops him until he feels like he’s drowning in it. He feels so sick. 

He’s disgusted with himself. Eating is a bit of a challenge, so he mostly just plays with the food on his plate.

It doesn’t help that Peter is being more affectionate with him than he usually would be around other people. The feel of his smooth, delicate hand casually resting against Tony’s forearm when he speaks for a few seconds has Tony sweating. 

While earlier this kind of attention from Peter was like Tony’s wildest and most wonderful dreams coming true, now it feels like an open declaration of their transgression.

Even though he’d done it last week, this time when Peter grabs for his hand underneath the table Tony slips out of his grip immediately.

He sees Peter looking at him out of the corner of his eye but he refuses to look.

“Tones, you’re real quiet this week. What happened? You seemed really happy the other day. Last week you made me laugh so hard I cried. Now you’re all grumpy and mopey. What’s going on?” His sister asks, seeing right through him as usual. 

He is almost angry with her, he wishes she hadn’t said anything in front of everyone else.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it. Just tired,” Tony says. He knows he’s not being convincing at all but it’s enough to let everyone know not to ask any more questions, at least for the time being.

Peter doesn’t say anything, and keeps his hands to himself from then on. He goes a little quiet too, Tony can’t help but notice. Now he’s even more upset at himself.

He’s too stuck in his own head to really pay attention to anything else that happens for the rest of dinner but the second Mary and Richard get up to clear the table, Tony does too. He takes his plate, throws out his leftovers and says a quick goodbye before rushing out the door.

It’s stifling to be in there with his family right now and he can’t stand it anymore. 

He can’t even stand to go home where he’d be alone with his guilty conscience which is growing in power, as imposing and vicious as ever before, so instead he walks. If he doesn’t distract himself he’s going to do something stupid, like drink enough to drown his sorrows, which never seemed to end up being enough in the past. He doesn’t pay attention to where he’s going, he just keeps walking, focusing on taking each step and the heaviness of his breathing as it struggles to keep up with him.

Not too long into his walk he gets a call. He thinks it’s probably from Peter and he can’t stand to talk to him right now so he turns his phone off without even bothering to look and check for certain.

Tony isn’t sure how long he wanders the city for, it could very well have been almost two hours, but by the time he circles back to his neighborhood he can breathe a little easier and he’s exhausted.

With the full intention of heading straight to bed where he can pass out immediately, he steps inside the apartment only to see Peter waiting for him there. Sitting there on the couch with eyes lined red and clearly still wet from crying, Peter looks miserable when he glances up at Tony with those big, sad eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Peter,” Tony says. He really should have taken into account the fact that both his siblings have spare keys to his place.

“I won’t do it again, I promise. I’ll be normal in front of them. Just… please. I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before. I don’t wanna lose you,” Peter begs desperately.

Tony wants to say yes, wants to stop Peter from hurting, but he knows it’s only going to hurt him more the longer this goes on and he can’t.

“Darling, we can’t. I can’t do this to you anymore. It’s not right, you know it’s not right,” Tony says.

“I don’t care,” Peter replies.

“You don’t care?” Tony repeats incredulously. “You don’t care that everyone we know would be disgusted? You don’t care that it could ruin any relationship you might wanna have if people found out?”

“What other relationships? It’s not… I’m not interested in other relationships, nobody is gonna find out,” Peter insists.

“So what you’re saying is you’re gonna avoid dating people your own age? Having healthy, not-secret relationships with appropriate partners and potentially finding love? How could I possibly let you do that, Peter? You can’t ask me to do that to you.”

“I don’t care. Why can’t we just have this, just for a little bit longer? Why can’t we just worry about all that later? I mean it when I say I’m not interested in anyone else. I only want you, Tony,” Peter tells him, and those words should sound so sweet but instead they feel like venom to Tony right now. Part of him wants to drown in them, and it frustrates him so much because it’s so hard to fight but he feels like he needs to do it.

“I’m your fucking Uncle, Peter. What do you think your parents would say if they knew?”

“God, please don’t bring them into this! This isn’t about anyone else. It’s about us. It’s ours. We can find a way to make it work. Please!” He’s trying to get closer but for every step forward, Tony takes one back.

“Peter, no. This is fucked up. You deserve to have a good life and I’m not gonna be the person who takes that away from you. I can’t.”

“Who says it wouldn’t be a good life? Who says I don’t need you in it to have it be good?”

“I will always be in your life, Pete. But not like this,” Tony answers, feeling defeated. “Not like this.”

“I don’t want anyone else. I’m never going to want anyone else while you’re around. Please, Tony,” Peter begs. Tony stands still, eyes closed, sighing deeply. Peter is able to walk right up to him now and lift his face so he can look straight into his dark eyes.

“No, Pete. It’s over,” Tony says. He almost can’t get the words out. He wants to say yes, wants to ignore everything else and just give in but he can’t do it anymore. He’s too caught up in the idea that he’ll ruin Peter’s life if he lets this happen. It’s breaking his heart but he’ll gladly go through unimaginable hell if it means doing the best thing for Peter.

The worst thing is seeing how much he’s hurt Peter. Tears stream freely, dripping off his face at the rate they’re falling. He looks completely crushed, which doesn’t make sense to Tony because why would it matter that much to him? How could Tony possibly mean that much? It just does not compute. But the evidence is right there on the boy's face and it’s making him feel like he needs to claw at his own chest and rip his heart right out to ease the pain. It would hurt less than this.

The only thing left for them is for Peter to storm out of the apartment. Tony watches him go, hears the door slam and it brings him to his knees. He starts sobbing, hopelessly inconsolable and feeling completely broken down.

There’s a voice in Tony’s head, harsh and apathetic, saying it was always going to end this way. Asking him what the fuck he thought was going to happen. Reminding him this isn’t some kind of love story: it’s a sick, fucked up situation.

Something else tells him different, but it’s not a voice. It’s a feeling. Overwhelming and strong enough to make him feel it in every molecule. It speaks to him without words, saying so much. It tells him it doesn’t matter how wrong it is, it feels right enough to counteract logic.

He wants to hate himself and what he’s become, but the truth is the only thing making him hate himself now is letting go of Peter.

There’s nothing for him to do but lie there, broken. Really, this thing with Peter was his only happiness, a fragile glimpse of hope. Easily shattered. It seems to Tony like it might be impossible to piece back together.

And that isn’t fair to Peter. It isn’t fair that he’s put all that onto another person, and he’s smart enough to realise that, while also feeling hopeless enough to feel like he isn’t capable of happiness on his own.

For a moment he wonders if he really even loves Peter or if it’s just some kind of fucked up coping mechanism, like he’s just grown more attached than he ever should just because this doe-eyed pretty boy helped him get his shit together a little bit.

He can only stand to think like that for a minute before his brain rejects the idea like it’s poison. It doesn’t matter how he got here or how much he really shouldn’t, he’s in love. He’s sure of it. It’s twisted, wrong on multiple levels, and he should have never done anything about it. Still, he’d never take any of it back.

Thinking about what they’d had for such a short while has him crying all over again.

He’s too far gone to notice the metallic jingling sound of keys from the other side of the door. It isn’t until it’s opening and he hears the click-clacking of heels walking into the apartment that he registers that someone else is there.

His brain works too slow to come to logical conclusions right now and he hopes desperately that Peter’s come back.

“Tony!” A familiar, feminine voice exclaims. He recognizes it but it isn’t until he sees the blue eyes and blonde hair of the person bending down to look at him does he fully realize who it is.

It’s Pepper.

“What happened?” Both her tone and the expression on her face are brimming with concern. It feels like more than he deserves, only makes him hate himself a little bit more.

“I’m sorry,” he sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

Repeating those words like it’s all that he can say only seems to worry Pepper more. “It’s okay,” she replies, brushing her hand up and down his arm in a soothing gesture. “It’s okay, Tony.”

He knows it’s not, but it does start to help. It calms him, slowly but surely, until the tears stop coming.

He’s content to just lay there on the floor, feeling somehow numb to everything and completely overwhelmed all at once, but Pepper won’t allow it. She helps lift him up, leading him over the couch so he can sit there instead before heading to the kitchen to get him some water.

Even when she sits back down and offers it to him, he can’t bring himself to move. Hands on his chin force him to face her so she can feed the water into his mouth, sip by sip. It helps him feel a little bit more alive, but not by much.

There’s a small pang of guilt there, something automatic telling him he isn’t worth her kindness, but he doesn’t have enough energy to do anything about it.

It’s those familiar arms gently embracing him that soothe him even more. There’s so much love he feels for her, despite the fact it was never going to be what she deserves. He realizes now more than ever that just because any romantic or sexual aspect of his feelings towards her were forced and not genuine, the love he has for her is strong and real.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters, not yet able to put into words the deep regret he feels for everything he has put her through.

“I know you are,” she responds, no malice in her tone at all. “Let’s just sit here until you really feel ready to talk, okay?”

“Okay.”

It’s a huge relief despite everything. The comfort of having his best friend there to support him and the chance that he might not lose her after all.

It’s hard to fully get there, because every time his brain wanders back to Peter his heart sinks and he wants to cry all over again, but eventually the desire to talk to Pepper outweighs how drained he feels. It’s like he can’t fully relax despite her comforting presence, and while a large part of him wants to lay down and sleep, an uneasiness grows. He knows he has to be honest with her. Well, as honest as he can be.

“Pep,” he starts, not knowing how to articulate what he’s thinking. The last thing he wants is to hurt her even more, but maybe that’s unavoidable.

“Why don’t you just tell me what’s gotten you so upset?” She asks, encouraging him. Guiding him, even now.

“I just keep fucking everything up,” he mumbles, unable to give specifics both due to his scattered thoughts an emotions and self preservation.

“How, darling?”

“I…” Here it goes. He has to tell her he’s gotten involved with someone else since she left, and he has to tell her why first.

She pulls back in time to look at him while he speaks, which makes it even harder to do so.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just, I denied it for so long but I… can’t… I don’t…” He pauses to take a deep breath. “I only want… to be with men?” It’s a statement, but he’s so uncomfortable saying it that it comes out sounding like a question.

Silence follows. It probably only lasts a few seconds but to Tony it feels like a lifetime.

“Oh.” More silence.There’s only a slight indication of any emotion shown on her face and she won’t look directly at him. Her brows slightly furrowed, lips a little pursed. Eyes hardened, not betraying what she’s feeling. Pepper has always been good at keeping her feelings hidden, even if Tony can read her a little bit better than most after all these years.

“Okay, that would… explain some things.” There’s no emotion behind her words, like she’s still processing the information. Tony knows her well enough to know better though, knows there’s anger or hurt there somewhere, even if she’s too kind to show it under these circumstances.

“How long have you known?” She asks, finally facing him again.

“I was going to tell you!” He insists, because while it doesn’t answer her question it’s important that she knows that. “I was, it’s very recent. And I meant to tell you and I was ready and then that was… the night you left.” A pause. “But there’s no excuse for how I’ve been these past few years, and I just… Nothing I say can ever make it right but I’m _so_ sorry, Pep. I’m so sorry.” He’s starting to cry again because he’s suddenly furious with himself and how he’s handled the situation. He should have never hurt her, should have never asked her to marry him or put her in this position and can’t forgive himself for it.

“I think I can kind of understand,” she starts. “I know you, and I think I understand why everything has been the way it was now. Now that I. Know.” She still sounds far more put together than he does, but the almost undetectable tremble in her voice gives her away.

“There’s no excuse. I’m so sorry, Pepper. I should have never have put you through all of this,” Tony sniffles.

“I know you are. And Tony, I still need some time. We still have a lot to work out now, things I don’t want to think about yet. But now I understand. I finally understand.” She’s started crying and then she’s hugging him again, rocking him a little now and it seems to be just as much for her sake as his.

More quiet, but this time it’s a silent moment of solace between them. Tension that has weighed on their relationship seems to ease up just a little, but it’s enough to feel it. It’s weight off that neither had even fully registered as being there before now.

Now Tony really is tired, but he owes it to Pepper to stay here and answer more of her questions if she has them. He can hold out a little longer for her.

It’s a short while before Pepper speaks up again, but when she does it’s the question Tony kind of dreads: “So, I’m almost afraid to ask this, but I’m guessing that there’s something else that got you so upset earlier?”

Here it goes.

“Well, I…” Tony starts to speak before he knows what to say. He has to stop himself and think.

“Under normal circumstances I would never be okay with the idea of there being someone else, but all things considered… Is there a man in your life, Tony?” Pepper asks. Straight to the point.

“Yes,” Tony whispers. It hurts to say.

“Well, it’s a good thing we’ve already been spending time apart or else I don’t know if I could handle hearing about this at all,” Pepper replies bluntly. “How long?”

“Nothing happened until you left,” Tony admits, ashamed because that doesn’t really make it okay.

Pepper just stares intensely at him for a few moments.

“Okay. I can tell you’re being honest about that. I guess I had already accepted that this wasn’t going to work. If you hadn’t waited so long to finally be true to yourself I’d be pretty fucking mad, but considering the circumstances... “ She trails off, clearly pushing down her own pain to be able to have this conversation with him.

“Pep, we don’t have to talk about this now. I can leave. You could move back and I’ll find somewhere else to stay. Or you can go back to your sister’s if you want. Whatever you want to do.” He wants to just apologize again and keep apologizing but he knows it’s gonna piss her off even more at this point.

“No, I don’t wanna drag this out. Let’s just talk about everything now,” Pepper decides. “Who is he? Do I know him?”

Oh god.

“I can’t talk about him right now, Pep. I’m sorry.” Tony needs the time to get his story straight because it’s the only way he’s going to get away with lying to her without her realizing. She doesn’t deserve any more lies, he knows, but there’s no way he can tell her the truth about this.

“That’s okay. I’m sorry he hurt you,” Pepper says, even though Tony thinks she should be somewhat satisfied considering what he’s put her through.

“Yeah, right. I’m the one who’s always fucking everything up,” he tells her. He almost wants to cry again but he’s far too exhausted.

Pepper analyzes his face again before she asks the next question. “You care about this guy?”

“Yes,” Tony answers immediately. There’s no question about it.

“Then I know you never meant to hurt him. I know you, Tony.”

Anguish outweighs the weariness and the tears start falling again when he thinks about it.

“It doesn’t matter what I meant to do. I’m always gonna destroy everything good in my life, it’s just what I do,” Tony sobs.

“No. Tony, listen.” There’s no room for argument when Virginia ‘Pepper’ Potts uses that tone. It means no nonsense, shut up and listen to me, and people are helpless to obey it. It’s what makes her such a good leader.

“Despite what you just told me, for so long you made me feel loved. Things have been bad for a few years, but all the years before that? You gave everything you had to a relationship you weren’t even capable of putting your whole heart into. You did it anyway, the best you could, for so long. And even though… I’m still so hurt, because you handled a lot of things the wrong way, there’s no denying that. But to say you would have fucked things up, even if you were capable of really loving me? No. No way. You may not seem like the romantic type, sure, but I know it’s just because you’re so scared.” She stops, not to take a breath, but to allow Tony the chance. He sorely needs it.

“I know you don’t feel good enough to be loved. That you don’t think you’re going to be good enough to make someone happy, but you are. Really loving someone doesn’t mean you have to make them feel good every second of every day and get everything right. It’s so much more complicated. It’s complicated and messy, even more of a mess sometimes than even you are. And you know what? It’s okay to be kind of a mess. It does _not_ make you unworthy or undeserving of love. And I know when you do find something real, it’s going to be worth all the trouble. There’s hope for us both, I know it.”

She sounds so sincere, Tony is struggling to understand why she’s still here trying to help him but that’s just the kind of wonderful person she is. He’s sobbing hard again, feeling too much again and he just wants it to stop.

“I’m so sorry, Pepper.” It’s all there is left to say. He’s said it before but this time it has more words attached, more meaning. He’s saying ‘I’m sorry for everything. You deserved better. I’m sorry you’re still here putting up with my bullshit. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you deserve.’

He knows she understands.

“I know. It’ll be okay.” She’s saying she still hasn’t forgiven him, but she will. It’s both a testament to her loving nature and how much she cares about Tony that she’s still here supporting him despite that. She’s also saying he is going to be okay.

Tony feels like he’s at his limit now, like he can’t stand to be awake anymore. What little energy reserve he has kicks in, allowing him to break free and stand without support.

“I think I need to go to bed now.” He takes Pepper’s hands when she stands up and gives her a small peck on the cheek. “Thank you, Pep.”

“I’ll check in tomorrow, but I still need more time. A few days or more,” Pepper tells him. It’s more than fair.

“Of course. Take care of yourself,” Tony says as he walks her to the door. 

“Oh, by the way, I left you something on the kitchen bench. Please use it.” With that, she’s leaving.

He waves goodbye, trudging off to bed as soon as the door starts to shut because even standing there requires a lot of effort at this point.

Falling into bed, Tony is only just awake enough to kick off his shoes and curl up under the covers. Still, regardless of how tired he is, his mind won’t let him rest.

When he finally does sleep, it’s for a long time, and he wakes up feeling even more exhausted than before. He just lies there thinking. Senses too dulled from the pain to be hungry. He has no idea how long it takes him to get up just to use the bathroom, and then he’s right back to bed.

At first his thoughts are too jittery to be coherent, they jump around in his head like they don’t want to be caught and made sense of. When he finally follows the train of one of them he realizes it’s a self preservation thing- it gets very painful to focus on.

He tries not to think at all but the uneasy feeling that seems to carve out his chest is worse than the heartache.

So he thinks and thinks and lets himself hurt a while, and then it almost gets a little easier. All the dark and hopeless things he’s telling himself dissolve into questions of how he can make things right.

Because in the end, he knows one thing. It’s that the hurt he’s feeling matters less to him than the pain he’s caused Peter.

And the more he ponders how he can make things right, the more he discovers that he doesn’t want to give Peter up at all.

He stops feeling so sorry for himself and becomes furious instead. He should have never let the doubt take control of him.

Finally getting up, Tony trudges to the kitchen to make himself food. He may still feel kind of sick but he’s getting dizzy at this point, and he has to regain his strength.

There on the bench, left by Pepper, is a business card he’d left up on the fridge for years to appease his sister, despite never having any intention of calling the number on it.

For some reason, today it clicks. He knows it’s what he needs to do.

He knows he can’t let himself get caught up in his own insecurities, can’t let them push him to hurt the people around him anymore.

Peter was right. He doesn’t want to feel like this any more than he wants to ever hurt the boy again.

Tony is going to do what he should have done a long time ago. He picks up the phone and finally calls the damn number.

The appointment isn’t for another two weeks, and even then it’s only because someone had just called before him to cancel theirs. Therapists are busy. It makes Tony feel a little better, knowing there’s so many other people out there who also need professional help.

In the meantime, he has a plan. Tony needs Peter to know how much he cares, ‘I’m sorry’ is just not enough.

Peter deserves the world, and from now on Tony is going to do whatever he can to give it to him.


End file.
